Because That Is What My Life Is Like Right Now

My Next Blog

2010-04-25T00:22:00.004-04:00

Moving on from my temporary blog to a new blog on religious leadership: http://religiousleader.blogspot.com/. Enjoy!

A Temporary Blog

2009-10-09T16:30:00.005-04:00

I've decided to start a temporary blog to keep me going through this whole applying to school thing. If you want to have some fun helping me study for the GRE or anything, please don't hesitate to drop by.

http://atemporaryblogonapplyingtogradschool.blogspot.com/

Re-thinking the Revamp

2009-08-28T22:07:00.003-04:00

G and the kids have been away for the week, but I can't say I have had much time for thinking, as this was one of my busiest weeks of the year at work. Still, tonight I took some time for myself (though I really didn't have the time), and I got to thinking about this blog.

I am not sure that I ever had a sense of what I wanted to do with my blog, but it may be that it has simply run its course.

When I first started writing, I knew that I didn't have enough of a focus to ever really get a readership beyond a small circle of family and friends. The blog was simply an outlet. Many times it has served as an emotional release, like a journal but with the comments of loved ones to periodically cheer me on. At times it was a release for my generative energy, an opportunity to express myself creatively through writing. And of course, on plenty of occassions it has also been my soapbox.

It allowed me to at least begin to speak out when I felt particularly disturbed by the things being said by an anti-adoption advocate who hangs out on one of my parenting discussion boards. It allowed me to speak about neurodiversity as I discovered the joy in celebrating how my brain, and my son's brain, are wired.

I could tell myself that it is a good way to keep in touch with my family and friends, but it would be narricistic to believe that to be the case. I don't post photos of my kids, and I always feel when I post their cute stories that I ought to be writing about something else, something more interesting to the "masses" and less in violation of the children's privacy of development.

The truth is that one of my best friends in the whole wide world called me some time ago and I had difficulty calling her back because of the time difference (NEVER underestimate the problems with time difference from coast to coast...I feel very isolated from old friends here), so I posted to her here instead. She had asked for an update, of course, so I am forgiving myself at least of that, but I didn't reach back out when I should have...thinking my post would suffice for the time. Many months later I learned of her brand, spanking new divorce. I am not sure how to process that, but I know that I have become overly reliant on this vehicle of communication with friends who deserve more of a two-way.

For a couple of years I have written on this blog without the slightest attention to the notion of attracting a "readership." I've been thankful for those of you who have accompanied me on parts of my life's journey through the blog, and have enjoyed reading your blogs in turn. But a few weeks ago I finally caved to the curiosity and went to Google Analytics to find out more about who was reading my blog, and I realized that it was actually mostly me.

Since this last spring, I have been working on strengthening a marriage that had gotten a little stretched at the seams and whose contents had shifted inside the package despite the fact that I wanted everything to stay put all neat and tidy the way I had arranged it. G and I are doing much better. In fact, we may be stronger than ever, but dealing with that meant I also had to begin to face some of my demons. In a major way. Demons I knew I had, and demons I didn't know existed. I am still facing off with them. And now I am considering seminary, and my world is simply changed. Things I thought I knew to be true no longer seem to be true. Things I thought not to be true have become real.

What I need to do now is to practice deep listening. I need to be fully and completely present in hearing others. I need to open my heart to learn, and I need to pay attention.

Something tells me that the months to come will require me to be still. To be disciplined. To be focused. And to rediscover that I can be a friend.

So I think this will be it. I think I am done.

I may start a new blog, or revamp this blog down the line. Of course I have ideas. I always have ideas. Topics of focus. Styles of writing to practice. Formats. But it's not a time for decisions right now.

If you are a UU reader or otherwise religious person who wants to continue to hear what I am doing in my vocational life, you will be able to find me this year at lifespanfaithdevelopment.blogspot.com. But it's not really a blog as much as it is an online newsletter.

Merry meet, merry part, and merry meet again!

Musical Interlude

2009-08-26T00:07:00.000-04:00

Post on Spanking...and Worsening Neurological Symptoms or Simply Inattention?

2009-08-23T23:13:00.008-04:00

Two things. First, I have written a long post about spanking and "the mainstream." As in, cultural shifts in the way we think about spanking...which as far as I am concerned is a vile practice. I had plans to follow that post with another about the flip-side of increasing societal intolerance for spanking, which is that I think struggling parents have difficulty finding help when they need it most. I would love to expand on that for you.

But then I re-read my post and also re-read this post over at Anti-Racist Parent and listened to this podcast and realized I needed to do some additional reflection on what constitutes "mainstream." So, my thoughts on spanking will have to wait. Meanwhile, I am thinking that is likely a positive development, as I recently decided that I would make a far greater effort to write shorter pieces. I wouldn't have achieved that with my spanking post, but perhaps with some time and thought it can be shortened.

In other news, I have been experiencing a disturbing neurological development this evening. It has to do with task planning and task completion. It looks something like this:

I think: I want to go find some Julia Child clips on Youtube.

I type: http://www.google.com/

No, no, that's not right.

http://www.yahoo.com/

What? Youtube. Youtube. Not Yahoo. Youtube.

http://www.hotmail.com/.

Finally I end up at Youtube website, staring at a blank screen, uncertain for several moments of why I was there. Ah, yes, Julia Child...

Anyway, spooky, huh? It has occurred three or four times this evening, including in preparing myself some dinner. The family is staying with MIL for the week, as a last "hoorah" of summer, so I am here at home by myself. I go to the kitchen and decide to make myself potato salad. Put some potatoes in a pot to boil, return to computer. A half hour later I think, "I am hungry," so I return to the kitchen, go to the fridge, and get out some leftover pasta. It is only upon taking the pasta to the counter to put it on a plate that I see the pot boiling away on the stove and remember what I had started out to do.

Am I being particularly absent-minded this evening, without the wife and kids here to keep me grounded on the planet, or am I experiencing a worsening of symptoms?

I want answers, damnit! I am so tired of hope for a diagnosis followed by things like, "Oh, your abnormal EEG was actually a normal abnormal variation." What on earth does that even mean?! For f*cks sake!

Reminders for Staying Cool

2009-08-19T11:17:00.009-04:00

(pictured in a photo with mild color saturation and tinting is my sweaty son M, working to stay cool while still having fun outside...yea, my camera seems to be working for now!)

It's hot where I am. Is it hot where you are? If so, I have some reminders for you. It's all common sense stuff that we all do, but its so easy to forget to do basic things like keep hydrated...which at best leads to headaches and stuff, and at worse, can make us sick.

Your Home

Have all your windows and shades/blinds/curtains open at night, and close them early in the morning. You can open them back up when that area is shaded for the afternoon, or once night falls.

If the hot air is already starting to come in when you go to close the windows in the morning, or if it is particularly stuffy or humid and you have some shade, close the shades/blinds/curtains but not the actual windows.

Thick blankets can also do the trick if you don't have shades/blinds/curtains or if they are too thin to make a difference.

Avoid opening and closing doors.

Don't use any electrical appliances during the day. Don't run a dishwasher, put in a load of laundry, or vacuum. Wait until night to cook, if you can't limit your foods to cold foods only. To the extent possible, keep computers turned off.

If you have fans and can afford to run them, run them constantly rather than turning them on and off. Place fans near open windows during the cooler hours of the day, so they draw in cooler air from outside.

When you have a window open, whenever possible open a window on the opposite side of the room for cross ventilation.

Keep all lights turned off during the day.

Shut doors to rooms you won't be using (such as bedrooms), if they tend to be hot rooms. Consider relocating your activies, including sleep, to your coolest rooms. Leave doors to cool rooms open.

Your Body

Drink TONS of water. Whether you realize it or not, you are losing a lot of water in this weather...way more than is obvious. If you don't like water, try adding a little lemon juice or something.

Cold water feels great in hot weather, but water that is closer to our body temp may keep us cooler for longer.

Limit any drinks besides water. They'll make you think your thirst is satiated, but they won't hydrate you as effectively. Do not drink caffeinated drinks at all if you can avoid it.

Do low-key activities during the day. Wait for the evening to do higher gear activities. Limit your time heading out of your house to the evening, or spend some of the day in air conditioned buildings such as a library (but remember that once you're cool in there, your home is going to feel much hoter!).

Consider getting cool with a cool shower or cold pool or sprinkler...the warmer the water, the sooner your body will heat up again. Consider getting yourself as cold as you can...and stay wet for as long as you can rather than drying off right away.

Carry some folded heavy paper or anything with which to fan yourself...with or without also carrying a spray bottle of water. Or get one of those personal fans, with or without a spritzer.

Minimize clothes. ;-)

Question About Re-Vamping My Blog

2009-08-18T01:15:00.001-04:00

Is there a way to put aside old posts, in a folder or something, so they are still accessible to folks doing a search or whatever...but they don't get in the way of a new style?

Home Economics 101: A Month On $40 For Family of Four Part III

2009-08-14T19:45:00.007-04:00

This part could also be subtitled: Shopping

Alright, now in terms of shopping, in addition to the few tips I snuck into the last part of this series, here are the only other suggestions I have:

Don't spend any time in stores. None. Avoid stores like the plague. Especially non-grocery stores. Go when you have to, get what you are there for, and get out. Don't go to Target or any similar department stores, and certainly don't bring "plastic" with you (INCLUDING debit cards).

Shop with a list and pay in cash. Seriously, I thought that we had an incredibly tight from-scratch budget before, with few expendables, but I still saved myself a little money switching to cash.

Don't bring the kids with you when shopping. If you must bring kids, go at their cheeriest time of day when you are both well fed.

If you do bring the kids, and they ask for something off the list, don't say "we can't afford that" (a mistake I made until recently). Instead, per the suggestion of the author of Debt Proof Your Kids, say, "we don't choose to spend our money that way." Otherwise, they associate their situation with deprivation, and thus money with happiness. This will make them hungry to acquire. When the kids want something, now we talk about choices. I've learned this also helps me stay accountable for my choices, and highlights for me any area in which I am making choices that aren't consistent with my intentions, limits, desires, or values!

And if you have to bring the kids, put the kids in charge of cash. I've started shopping with $1 bills and quarters. For each item, I now count out each dollar and quarter from my purse (where it is stored in envelopes) and my kids put it in a gallon-size Ziploc to keep track of the money we spent. Aside from being a good math and economics lesson, this keeps the kids busy while we are shopping, helps them understand the choices we make and why we make them, and helps me keep myself accountable.

Shop for what you have! I know that sounds strange. I don't mean that you should buy what you already have, but rather you should shop for things to go along with what you have. When most folks sit down to make a grocery list, they decide first what they want to eat. *Then* they look at what they have, and write down anything that is missing. You can't afford to do that. Assuming you are going no more than thirty days on $40, even if you put every cent into food and NOTHING else, that gives you about $1.33 per day. If your family eats only three meals, that's about 44 cents per meal. For most of us, snacking is critical to good health, so you can put away at least ten or twenty cents per meal to go into other food costs. That gives you no more than 34 cents per meal, generously. That's around 8.5 cents per person in a family of four. Put another way, in 30 days, you need to plan for around 90 meals (360 individual meal-servings for a family of four) plus snacks. Even with all your money going toward food, you clearly can't get by unless you make full use of whatever you can scrounge from your cupboards and fridge. So look at what you have, and think "how can I make this stretch the farthest?"

Even though you should shop for what you already have, you should also try to use what you have first. Let's say you went to the food bank and they gave you a can of peaches. There are a few ways to make use of it. You could open up that can and have it for snack one day with your kids. Chances are, that snack isn't going to be satisfying on its own, so you'll probably have something else with it. So you've used the peaches, and something else, and then the whole thing is gone and all you've had is a snack. Alternatively, you could also set out to shop for what you have. But be careful if you do because it would be easy to start thinking that you've got to build a whole meal around peaches. If you are building your meal around peaches, rather than a more bulky item, chances are it will be more expensive. As a third alternative, you could pair it with something more bulky that you have on hand (and I do pray you have something on hand), such as rice. So maybe you have a rice stir-fry with veggies and (grilled?) peaches. Even if you had to buy a veggie to add to it, you'd still have avoided the expensive danger of starting to think of building a meal in terms of its least bulky item.

If at all possible, use your money during the month for produce only. As I've said, one of my ground rules involves eating a balanced diet. Try to put aside a few dollars each week-- or whatever you can afford-- for something fresh to add to your stock. Fresh produce runs out quickly when there is no money to spend, and unfortunately, it is unavailable at most food banks. It's the kind of thing you have to plan to replenish weekly.

Assuming you have some form of transportation, if you have had money in the past, your regular grocery store may be out of your budget. For one thing, just because a store is big (a big box store that has groceries, for example), doesn't mean it is the cheapest. If you can, when you are out and about, check out alternative stores. Look for stores that aren't as "pretty" or well-maintained. If a store isn't putting money into its image, it probably has a smaller profit margin. Avoid stores in middle or upper class areas of town. Obviously, stores can get away with charging more if they know the folks shopping there have the money. Look for stores that very prominently advertise acceptance of food stamps.

That said, a store that carries more groceries is usually (not always, but usually) a cheaper source of groceries than say, a corner store or a store that carries only a select few grocery items. No matter how run down your corner store is, it isn't ideal usually to plan to get your milk there.

Often, you can get certain things at a low cost in one store, but other things at a lower cost in another store. It can be tempting to "store hop" and shop at two or more stores for the best deal...if you have the transportation. If you are going to do this, do it in a planned and very strategic manner. Avoid taking unnecessary trips. Combine trips whenever possible. If you drive a car, think about gas. If you are in a car that gets 20 miles per one gallon and gas is about $2.60 per gallon, you are looking at a 13 cent expenditure per mile. That doesn't seem like a lot, but when you have only $40, remember that this is more than what you have per person for each meal. Going five miles will cost you 65 cents. I am assuming that you are not buying more than $10 of food on this grocery shopping trip. After all, that is a weekly allowance if you have managed to spend ALL your money on food. So when you go to that store that is 2.5 miles out of the way (5 miles roundtrip), you likely have no more than $9.35 to spend. If you only save 10 cents on tomatoes, it isn't worth it. This is also the case if you are taking the bus-- assuming that you pay for it-- only moreso, as even with a bus pass, you've likely spent way more than a $1 per day on bus fare.

Speaking of store hopping, if you have a dollar store near you and you haven't been there in a while, don't forget to re-acquaint yourself. Some things are a rip off at the dollar store. If you really compare prices, you will find that the dollar store is relying on your not knowing what things cost at the regular grocery store. Or they are selling smaller packages so that the price for the amount you get is as high if not higher than in a regular store. Be especially cautious with groceries at the dollar store, and anything sold in packages of one. That said, there may be household necessities that you can get for a great bargain. Or things that you can't afford in the amounts sold at the regular store. Sometimes in a $40 month, you can get enough toilet paper or toothpaste to sustain you, simply by shopping at the dollar store.

In a previous post, I mentioned sharing the benefits of a membership warehouse with someone else. Let me talk about a one-time type manifestation of that. On a $40 month, you can't afford to go to a membership warehouse even if you have a membership. Everything there is going to cost $6 or more because it is in large quantities. You won't get pasta for under $10 for example, even if you do end up with enough pasta to last months. However, if you know someone who is shopping at such a warehouse and you are comfortable enough to share your struggles, you might ask if they would let you buy a small amount of their groceries off of them. This way, you can benefit from the bulk rate without paying the initial cost of buying bulk. Sometimes this will pay off, and sometimes it won't. For example, let's say they purchased $10 of enriched pasta and there were ten boxes in their package. That works out to about $1 per box, which is roughly the cost of a package of pasta at the grocery store. The only benefit to them is that they've stocked up. It isn't a financial advantage to anyone. However, if they bought whole wheat pasta for $10 and got 10 boxes, that definitely is less than the cost of whole wheat pasta if you buy one box at a grocery store. If you can afford to give them a dollar for a box of pasta, it would be a financial benefit to you. However, do consider how far you can take one box of pasta for your family (consider ways to bulk it up and use less pasta per meal). It may or may not be something you can afford on a $40 month.

Whatever amount of money you have, whether it is exactly $40 or it is $52.33 or whatever, think in terms of percentage. $2 is five percent of what you have for the whole month. $4 is a whole ten percent. When you are spending money, think in terms of that percentage as you try to navigate priorities.

It bears repeating one more time: cash, CASH, and ONLY CASH. No debit cards. Too easy to "bounce" your account on accident. With cash in hand, you know you have the money. No credit cards. They will dig you deeper into your hole. You CAN survive. You can even thrive. You CAN.

Meeting With the Assistant Director of Admissions at Harvard Divinity School

2009-08-12T15:04:00.003-04:00

Somewhat spontaneously (as in, I was thinking I'd do it closer to fall...but my questions were building too rapidly), I called and set up a time for an "informational meeting" with an Assistant Director of Admissions at HDS. I am going TOMORROW!

While this is an "informational meeting," and is likely to have 3-5 other students in attendance, it is also listed on the admissions page under the question "does Harvard Divinity School require an interview as a part of the admissions process?" The answer is basically "no, but we encourage you to come in for a small group informational meeting with an Assistant Director of Admissions."

So, nerves time. I'd like to know how to make the best of this opportunity. Any suggestions?

Should I bring my transcripts and specific questions? Should I try to present like I would at a job interview?

Re-Vamp My Blog?

2009-08-11T09:27:00.002-04:00

I am thinking I may revamp my blog shortly. Different format, possibly more refined topics, and more graphics.

What do you like reading on my blog?

Another Ah-F**k!

2009-08-07T02:06:00.003-04:00

Pause from my especially long-winded, possibly ridiculous home economics 101 posts.

I had another "ah-f**k!" moment related to my divinity school application. Harvard has updated its admissions page. It now lists the application deadline as January 11th. That's good. Now I know.

The problem? It also lists the GRE as a requirement for the application. It previously specified that it was required only for some of the programs, but not for the M.Div. Not sure if that was an error, or if the requirement has actually changed since last year, but I specifically noted the absence of the requirement a few months ago because it seemed odd that it wasn't.

So there you are. It was odd, and the situation is now remedied...for Harvard, that is. For ME, it introduces a total moment of F**k! F**k! F**k!

Besides the obvious:

1. I was already behind in my schedule to complete the application materials. I am really struggling...REALLY struggling with my personal statement, and I haven't even begun my other essays let alone other components of the application. Heck, I don't have all my transcripts.

If this was the only thing I had to worry about that would be one thing, but I am also behind in a major way at work. I don't think I've ever been this behind in August, and I'm really not sure I can pull the fall off. I am scared. I don't have time-- AT ALL -- to add studying for the GRE to my plate. Not at all.

2. I have incredibly big-time test-taking anxiety. In fact, despite my 4.0/4.0 record in college, I actually took an alternative route into college (starting first as a "guest student") partly because I had avoided the SATs at all costs after taking and doing poorly on my PSATs. I can handle tests, somewhat, in an academic setting when something like entry into a school isn't hanging in the balance, but an admissions test. No, no, no!! I can't deal.

3. I don't know if I can just take the general GRE or if I have to take one of the specific ones. The list doesn't say, and even THAT stresses me out. But on top of that, just the general GRE costs a whopping $150! To take it one freakin' time! I can't even afford the reduced test fee of $75. Heck, I am going to have to save my pennies to just submit my applications to the two schools at which I am applying.

4. I already worried that my application was weak on demonstrating my academic strengths. I only took two graduate level courses during my time as an undergraduate. I was not well-rounded in my studies (or my extracurricular activities). I took more 100 or 200 level classes than I remembered taking. I attended two community colleges and a total of four schools (I wish I could just explain on my application what a difference that made for me financially). All my math and science classes were at community college...not that this is a big thing for seminary, but it shows I wasn't challenging myself as fully as I otherwise could have, that I wasn't taking on academic challenges. I have no language courses in my background AT ALL. Plus, I am still trying to make sure I am actually going to be able to get academic letters of reference, since my professors are MIA. Now this?! Now freakin' this?!

5. It's a computer test, not a paper test. I don't do well at all on computer tests, not even at the DMV for crying out loud!

I am about a half inch away from dropping my application to Harvard entirely. ENTIRELY.

Home Economics 101: A Month On $40 For Family of Four Part II

2009-08-03T23:44:00.005-04:00

Subtitle of this part (part 2): FOOD!

Now we're coming to the hardest part of living with little money. You can't let anyone go hungry, and food is your most important priority. But beyond utilities, it is also the biggest expense for most folks living on a low income.

This is why there are so many programs focused on getting food to people who need it. The problem is that most of those programs are also short on resources.

In order to best advise you, let me share some of my assumptions. This way, if something doesn't apply to you, you can figure out the easiest way to take your own personal situation into account.

When you discover you have only $40 to last the month, you may have just been paid. If so, congratulations. I say congrats because this also means you are likely to have done at least a little grocery shopping recently and that while your fridge and cupbards might not be full, they will have some new "stock."

The hardest scenario of course is if you are on your second, third, fourth, or fifth month with $40 or $50, and your cupboards and fridge just haven't had any chance to recover.

But my assumption for our purposes is that most folks who discover they only have $40 to last a month are looking at a situation somewhere in between. Perhaps you have half a carton of a half-gallon of milk left, some rice, a few carrots. But you don't have eggs. Or you don't have beans. When I am giving advice, I am assuming that you aren't using my tips as any more than a jumping off place.

My tips come from having looked in my own fridge at various times, and having figured out how to make a meal out of meager random odds and ends. So if you haven't done so already, go to your fridge and go to your cupboards. Take inventory of what you have. Start looking up recipes that can make use of the random can of olives and that little bag of uncooked barley that you bought back when times were better. It's time to get creative, and my list is really as much for inspirational purposes as for tips.

Getting Help

Knowing that sometimes, it might come down to this, I want to throw a couple notes in here about getting help. Your stops along the way might include:

Friends, neighbors, and relatives
The food stamps program and/or WIC, though fair warning: many folks in need may not qualify or may qualify for a very low amount of assistance only
A foodbank and/or Dollar-a-Bag programs

If you are trying to get help from foodbanks in your area, it is helpful to call ahead. It's great when you can find a bank that serves your whole county, has accessible hours, and has a lot of goods and you can just go in and grab what you need. Unfortunately, in most locales, that won't be the case. Call and find out:

Whether they serve folks where you live (some larger foodbanks divide up their distribution centers by zip code, for example)
What proof of ID and/or income might be required
What other information will be collected
How often you can receive help
The type of food and amount of help you can expect to receive
The hours and days of operation (usually very limited, and unfortunately it may be during workday hours)

As I've mentioned, many foodbanks these days are short on food. They will give out a very, very small amount to sustain you for a meal or three. Also keep in mind that though beggars can't be choosers and you will surely eat what you are given because you need it, the food they give you is not usually going to be the healthiest. Many foodbanks, if not most, do not have produce, dairy, or meats. Applesauce will be the type with added sugar, canned fruits will be in heavy syrup, and tuna helper will be as good as it gets for boxed meals.

I only say that so you won't be surprised. There is nothing worse than worrying about whether your family will go hungry and then realizing when you go to get help that little help is available, and that which is available is not going to be very helpful in reducing your risk of nutrient deficiencies. Do get the help, but don't go in expecting much. Instead, focus on planning your life around the below type of tips.

One More Assumption

Another assumption I have made for this post is that while one's first concern, when experiencing hunger, is usually filling the belly, most of us are also worried about making sure our bodies stay healthy through financial hardship. There are a couple ways to survive on $40.

The easiest way is to fill up on sugar and fat laden foods because they make you feel fuller. While prepared foods that resemble something healthy (take canned soups), for instance, are expensive, there are a lot of prepared foods that don't resemble anything healthy and are sold pretty darn cheaply. Which makes them alluring when you don't have money. And despite what nutritionists say, that our bodies actually become more hungry more quickly with these foods, if your body is not accustomed to wholesome foods, the truth may be that you won't feel full until you do have them.

Fitting with my "groundrule" that living poorer (more frugally, for those who have a choice) should mean living better, I am going to assume that you want your kids and yourself to be as healthy as possible, to get all the nutrients they need. Clearly, that can't happen if you're busy trying to feel full again. Instead, I suggest you go through withdrawl from your usual diet and adjust to a new one...a healthier, more wholesome, more nutrient-dense diet. And I am going to bet that it WILL be healthier and more wholesome even for those who have a great diet already (unless you are have a REALLY, REALLY great diet!).

And a Quick Public Safety Announcement

Some people dumpster dive for food. I personally don't believe dumpster diving for food is safe. If you want to do that, research it throughly and be very, very careful. While dumpster diving for certain items is probably safe, under certain conditions, dumpster diving for FOOD is an extremely hazardous activity in my opinion. I don't recommend it even with caution, and I urge you not to do it at all if you have children. However, if you have connections at a grocery store and are able to obtain the foods directly from those people before the foods leave the backdoor and head out to the dumpster, more power to you. Just be sure to carefully sort through these "finds" and make sure you are not eating food that is truly on its way out. (You'll get some gems, since many stores through away things like milk on the day of expiration, and it still probably has a little "window of safe" on it.)

Now, My Tips

We make ALL foods from scratch. Yes, it takes time. My wife G can tell you. At times it's very taxing. But yes, if you really have only $40 to your name, you'll find a way to make the time. And G and I have decided that even if we have money, we want to live this way so we can actually do things like save. Here are a sampling of foods that many families who make most foods homeade still buy from the store that we make from scratch:

-->bread (ever notice how expensive truly whole wheat bread, without corn syrup, has become?) including pita bread, biscuits, and bagels

-->tortillas (and chips, for a treat)

-->salad dressings, dips of all types including hummus and salsa, and spreads, including sometimes peanut butter

-->sauces, including sometimes apple sauce

We rarely buy canned foods. Soups are made from scratch at home. Beans are made from bags of dried beans. We do buy canned diced tomatoes whenever we see a good sale because this is a good food to use in order to bulk up and add flavor to inexpensive meals. We also buy canned and/or frozen corn and canned olives once a year in bulk (hard to grow in a small yard where we live, for one thing).

All that said, "from scratch" is not always cheaper. We can have fun making our own butter, but it actually costs less to buy it from the store. I'm not sure about yogurt and cheese...that's something we plan to try soon. For now we just don't buy yogurt when the cash flow is low, and we buy cheese on a very tightly monitored cheese budget. We also plan to begin making our own pasta noodles, though I have to say I think our diet is more well-rounded when we can't depend on having pastas.
It's more of a long-term thing, so won't work if you are down on cash for only a month and plan to resume a previous lifestyle later, but some vegetables you can grow even if you have little more than a small patio. Assuming they aren't genetically engineered, tomatoes can be grown from the tomato seeds of the tomatoes you eat, in a couple of pots...including plastic ones that you may find in-- for example-- your neighbors trash. We have some other projects coming up: You can easily sprout your own sprouts in a jar in the kitchen from dried lentils, etc. Potatoes and onions might not be that expensive, but when money is short, who cares. Save whatever you can, wherever you can. They are easy container garden items, and all it takes is having a potato or onion that is getting old.

Consider whether you and a friend can share resources. We don't have a yard to speak of, but we have a couple raised bed gardens that we planted with friends of ours, in our friend's yard. She had wanted a garden for a couple of years, but didn't feel like she could do it on her own. We didn't have much know how, but were willing to help figure it out. Win-win. We all put in some labor, though honestly our friend put in much more since it was at her house and she saw it everyday. Now we have peppers, squash, lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, peas, and all kinds of things growing! By the way, there are some folks on YouTube who have instructional videos on raised bed gardens, including ones you can create with whatever you can find.
If you can gather together money for it at some point, you can also share a membership to a bulk warehouse such as Costco or Sam's with a friend. This reduces the membership cost, and if you are both planners, you might be able to buy some items you wouldn't normally buy in bulk, and then split them. If you don't split the membership experience though, bulk warehouses are not a good idea at all for a $40 month. As much as you need food, getting, say, 100 pounds of carrots just isn't going to work for you because you don't have the money to spend on just one type of food like that. I'll have more notes on shopping in a future part of this series.
On a similar note, consider any and all resources available to you. Some friends of ours know somebody who has a couple of well-cared for organic eating cows and is able to get us raw milk every now and then for a price that is close to the same as non-organic pasteurized milk in the store. Only problem is that we have to arrange for someone who lives out by him to pick it up, which is why it isn't our regular practice.
We don't eat meat, so I don't know much if anything about saving money around meats. I DO know that diary is *expensive.* Especially if you are trying to do organic (which is recommended, as many pesticides are stored in fat tissue among dairy animals...dairy should rate higher on your organic priority list than produce) and support sustainable and humane dairy farming practices. If you know somebody who has chickens, see if they'll sell you eggs. Unfortunately, with only $40, you can't stick with organic all the time. See what the costs are. You might be able to do organic some of the time depending on your source (sometimes the costs will be comparable), but I've found that most $40 months pretty much nix any hope of organic aside from what comes out of the garden.

Do not eat eggs during a $40 month. No omelettes, scrambled eggs, or egg sandwiches. You'll run out of eggs right away. Save your eggs for baking. Use baking recipes that use minimal eggs.
Except for making something like pizza, use a cheese sauce rather than straight cheese. Cheese is super expensive and milk and butter is expensive but less-so than cheese. You can make a fine cheese sauce with a little cheese, some milk (try it also with powdered milk mixed with water), a little butter, and a little flour. Cheese sauce goes a lot farther than cheese.
If you have to use cheese rather than cheese sauce, grate rather than slicing when possible. Do this even if you are eating a sandwich. You'll use far less cheese.

When baking/cooking, consider using a powdered milk bought in bulk. It may be cheaper (though not always, as powdered milk can be surprisingly expensive) and will allow you to save your regular milk for drinking or oatmeal and so forth. Try to avoid drinking milk, and consider diluting your milk mildly (don't tell the kids!) if you do drink it.

Buy more of the types of produce that last longer periods in the fridge. When you are low on cash, you'll want to use less at one time, and spread your resources out longer. Cauliflower, for example, is a superb vegetable for this purpose. Carrots and tomatoes also do pretty well. Apples are long lasting and can be used in a variety of dishes either cooked or raw. Once sliced, just use a little lemon juice on it to keep from browning.

Read up on produce storage, including how to store produce when it has been partially used. Storing foods properly will extend their life, allowing you to eat them more slowly.
Avoid using all of anything on any one recipe. Half or cut into 3/4 the amounts originally listed in the recipe for ingredients on which you're running low. Get creative. Learn to adjust recipes to make up for less of one ingredient or another.
Don't throw anything out. If things look like they are about to "turn," freeze them. Freeze all kinds of fruits, which can later be used to make everything from sorbet to popsicles to slushies to smoothies. Vegetables can be frozen before or after blanching, depending on the type. If you are practicing low-cost living in anticipation of a lean winter, see if you can start the winter out with a freezer full of fruits and veggies.

Free yourself of the idea that no snack foods or an empty fridge means you don't have food. Plan ahead for snacking. While a full fridge and freezer run more efficiently in terms of energy, a relatively empty fridge doesn't mean you are starving. It may just mean you are cooking from scratch.
Discover what low cost foods, easily stored foods, are particularly filling for your family. Things like oatmeal or a hearty couscous dish or rice and beans. Make big batches and keep them in the fridge, readily available for meals-on-the-go. dw cooks up pintos, makes a batch of refried beans, and makes a big bowl of rice almost weekly. She also makes tortillas (which can be stored in the freezer if humidity is an issue for you right now). Because we buy our rice in great big bags when we do have the money, and beans in the biggest bags they come in, meals of this sort may just be pennies.
Some produce costs nearly the same amount year round, such as bananas or potatoes. Other food definitely offers a financial benefit if bought in season. So, if you *do* ever have a month with more money (or you are only practicing or getting ready for a lean winter), buy more seasonal stuff then and use your freezer to help keep your nutrients flowing in leaner and off-season months.

Things That Are Helpful to Stock Up On When You Have Some Cash

This will vary depending on your personal diet, but I've found these are helpful items that can go far in preparing foods from scratch:

Large bags of whole grain (not enriched, which means at one point it was stripped of nutrients) rice
A variety of large bags of beans, such as black beans, pintos, lentils, garbanzos/chickpeas, kidney beans, butterbeans, etc.
Flour in the biggest bags you can find and afford. This is very, very important. You'll use it in a variety of filling foods. It helps to have a selection of types including bread flour, unbleached all-purpose flour, and whole wheat or white whole wheat.
Yeast
Dry milk
Couscous, if you can find someplace that sells it in bulk rather than in those expensive little boxes of prepared couscous meals
Oatmeal (not the little packets, but the big containers of non-flavored oats)
Seeds and nuts, when you can find a very cheap source for them (they are often good sources of supplementary protein, and they can be used to make spreads)
Cheese, which can store well over extended periods if stored properly

Home Economics 101: A Month On $40 For Family of Four Part I

2009-08-02T13:50:00.011-04:00

The Subtitle of this part (part 1) could also be "Disclaimers."

Over the next week, I will post a very basic home economics lesson on how to survive a month on $40 for a family of four. That works out to $10 per week, approximately, or $10 per person.

I know there are folks who have this figured out even better than I ever will-- much better (especially folks intentionally heading off the grid)-- so this blog feature won't be anything new for some of you.

But, hopefully it has a few tips someone can make use of. What I can promise is that my methods, as basic (and for some perhaps, common sense) as they are, have been tested by experience. I have been able to survive on $40. In this economy, I realize many people are experiencing financial hardships they have never faced. I hope this blog post is useful for people who are going through a rough patch or are anticipating an extra lean winter.

So, now, the explanations, disclaimers, and rules:

What I Mean by $40

Your rent or mortgage is paid, and this is what you have leftover to get to the end of the month.
You still need food, gas for your car or other transportation, and additional life basics. You may or may not have managed to pay your utilities, yet.

For the Novices

As would be common sense, having a meager amount of money is going to be most difficult for those who are used to a lot more. I won't claim that I am perfecting the notion of "surviving comfortably" because the truth is that if you are used to something else, $40 or $50 won't be comfortable. But it can be done with minimal ill-effects. Your kids may not even know the difference. So for those of you who are new to having so little cash, here's a primer with the basics:

Pay your rent or mortgage FIRST. Even if you have to go to churches and other charitable organizations and beg for $20 here and $30 there to make the payment. Everything else can be figured out, but going homeless is really hard on people.
Buy your food second. You need to be well-nourished if you are going to make smart decisions. Yes, feed your children first. But feed yourself too in the best way you can.

Your health and the health of your children is still first priority. That includes dental health. Inquire with your state about subsidized health care programs, and if you need health care, go get it. If there is one type of debt that is worth it, it is medical debt. And you may be able to get help paying it later. Remember that hospitals can't turn you away for treatment due to an inability to pay. You can work on payment plans later.

Don't let your utilities slip. Trying to feed a family without electricity (let alone trying to keep depression at bay) is really tough, especially on a tight budget. Getting on a payment plan with utility companies sometimes is your best bet, but if there will be some months where you can't make even the small payment you've arranged to make (say $10 or $20), you may lose the utility faster once on the plan. In some cases, if you believe you may have more money the next month, it is better to let the bills slide. Generally one month won't cause alarm with most companies. Even if you can just pay one utility every month, pay that one and let the next slide to the next month. Or better yet, pay a little on all the utilities. If you are paying *something* the companies will generally want to be helpful to you. But pay as often as you can, as much as you can.

If you need to, get help. Don't be ashamed to visit your local food pantry. You likely won't receive much (many pantries these days will give out one boxed meal, such as an instant pasta, a can or two of vegetables, plus something like a jar of applesauce as a typical offering), but it might be enough to ease the hardship a bit. If desperate, go to a soup kitchen or see if a relative is willing to clean out their pantry.

No, you can't eat out. No, not even fast food. If you seriously only have $40 that is not an option. Do not use credit. You don't need it, and it will just dig you deeper in your hole. If you have credit of some type, rip it up...make it inaccessible as far as you are concerned. You *will* feel deprived if you are used to, say, being able to do things like grab some drive through after a late night at work. It *will* feel crummy, but you will normalize to it if your situation doesn't change (or in the case you are doing this to prepare for possible financial collapse) and it won't feel so bad later.

Finally, don't do anything stupid like driving your car uninsured. It will cost you more in the longrun.

The Groundrules

Everybody has their own groundrules about surviving on low cash. You may have your own. These are a few of mine:

Everybody still eats fresh fruits and vegetables, and sources of protein. One way or another, we will not eat Ramen for weeks on end. I am the provider in my family. No one in my home is going to be malnourished. Period. (In fact, when money is tighter, it is probable you'll eat healthier than you ever have. You'll start planning snacks instead of grabbing processed junk. You'll make more homeade food. Etc.)

Foods are not rationed out. We eat until we are filled, and we don't judge one another about it. However, taking three servings of the same dish is not usually an option. If after you eat one (or in some less frequent cases, two) servings of something you are still hungry, you may eat more of something else, particularly foods that we happen to have a lot of at that moment.

Done well, living poorer (or for those who have a choice, more frugally) should mean living better. It really should.

Stay tuned for part 2: "FOOD"

Remember This? Re-visiting the Chris Martenson Videos On Our Economic Situation

2009-07-28T01:52:00.002-04:00

Two things.

First, I am slowly working on re-writing my missing post, the letter to my children, and I will post it again as soon as I have it done. I think it will be worth the wait.

Second, remember waaaaay back in October (2008) when I posted this link: http://www.chrismartenson.com/crashcourse. I hope if you didn't watch it then, that you will now. I am very interested in discussing this with other folks.

Blogspot and the Missing Post

2009-07-26T13:17:00.003-04:00

My last post was a letter for my children, and it meant a lot to me. Why I didn't save it in Word, I have no idea. Unfortunately, I went in to make a couple of edits this morning, and in an instant, when I hit publish, my post was gone. I've since learned that blogger has a recover feature that occassionally helps with instances such as this, but in my panic I went and posted "where is this post?" in my old post, thus as far as I know, destroyed my ability to hit recover.

On the off chance that any of you have a way to help me recover this post, I am asking for your help. I am hoping that either blogspot emails out posts to subscribers or...
1. One of you happened to have it opened on your screen and haven't closed it out OR
2. One of you happened to like what I wrote (ha! I know, I'm grasping here...) enough to have saved it in some fashion.

Help! The post was made yesterday, Saturday. I am desperate!

For My Children...

2009-07-25T13:27:00.013-04:00

Not sure what happened to this post!??? Aack!

I Was Featured!

2009-07-25T01:03:00.002-04:00

I was honored to be featured today over at: http://1yearapart.blogspot.com/.

"The Panics"

2009-07-23T22:58:00.003-04:00

So our van has been out of use for several months. We hope its just the alternator (vs. something electrical), but we have to wait and save up money for it to be checked out. Anyway, so the car has been sitting in front of the house, and every once in-a-while, the kids talk about how we can't drive it until we take it to the "panics." That's how they mis-pronounce "mechanics." Fitting.

When I need to take a car to the mechanic, it definitely induces panic :-).

I just wanted to post this so I have it written down somewhere and don't forget it. Toooooo cute!

Weird Moments on Facebook

2009-07-23T00:09:00.009-04:00

I only joined Facebook for work. For a long time, I didn't join Facebook, but rather watched carefully those who did and learned what I could about different ways to approach it. In the end, I decided to have a pretty limited network, so I have a specific mix of "friends."

My general ground rules for myself are:

1. To only "make friends" with folks somehow related to my work: colleagues, members of my past or former congregation, and UU folks with whom I am otherwise connected.

2. Not to put out "friend requests" on a regular basis, not because I wouldn't be happy to have a large network, but rather because somehow I just feel weird asking folks to be my friends. I dunno.

Every once-in-a-while, I contemplate having a non-work Facebook account. I wonder, what would I do with it? Would I make online connections with folks I am meeting now who aren't UU? Would I try to reconnect with folks from my past?

Tonight, just out of curiosity, I did a search for folks who graduated from my high school the same year I did. I would NOT recommend this activity to other folks with memory loss.

It is a bit on the spooky side.

I could recall a few specific folks, once I saw their pictures, but for the most part, it was like walking through the halls of high school and seeing ghosts.

The names sounded so familiar-- I could even hear myself saying them-- and the faces looked vaguely like people I should know, but I couldn't place these memories into any context.

Was she one of my friends?
Was he? Were they?
Who ARE these people?

Also, seeing folks made me really glad we didn't have (as far as I know) a 10 year high school reunion. Because from the snapshots and little blurbs of info, anyway, everyone looks happy, healthy, successful, absolutely BEAUTIFUL, and like they are doing very well. I am happy and stuff too, but I just know I would walk in and start feeling like I was in high school, or middle school all over...so insecure! Like I'll never quite be as worthy. Yikes! Crazy how quickly I can return to that place in my mind, despite the lack of memories.

Another issue to work on, I suppose.

I've Been Spending Time...

2009-07-21T23:46:00.003-04:00

...reading this blog this summer: http://www.antiracistparent.com/. I recommend it!

Woohooooo hoooooo! Great News!

2009-07-21T20:09:00.005-04:00

Remember how I was so worried about my divinity school applications (I still am! Nothing has changed on that front...that's not the news LOL!) and getting those two letters of academic reference? Remember how I went and found out that my old department at school was reconfigured entirely and none of the faculty had stuck around through the transition?

WELL, I have successfully tracked down one of my professors this week, who just so happens to be one of the very first people-- if not THE first person-- to pop into my mind when I realized I would need these letters. I really put my heart and soul into her classes, and I learned a lot. I am so glad to be back in touch with her, and best of all, she actually remembers me!

She emailed me back tonight. I am so excited!

Belonging

2009-07-15T18:20:00.009-04:00

I am really lucky to have met my wife at nineteen.

Rarely, at various moments over the years, I have wondered what it would have been like to have had more time for dating, for total freedom and independence, for trying on different relationship identities, and growing alone. But the truth is, when I met G, I knew within months that I wanted to marry HER and have children with HER.

G and I have been really different people from the start. We shared a complimentary sense of humor, some common core values, and a few similar interests (a love of water perhaps the most critical), but our families of origin, our life experiences, our theological understandings, our educational interests and histories, our hobbies and likes, our approaches to everything from money to goal setting, and even the music we listened to most were vastly different.

Over the years, we've had many jokes about how different we were when we met. We used to say that if we had met just a few years earlier, we might not have even liked one another, let alone fallen in love. For a while, I joked that my family must be paying G to date me.

Now, over a decade later, G and I have found that while we've grown together in many ways, we've also grown in very different directions. We share more in common now, but this is largely because we've built a life together. As individuals, sometimes we have wondered if now we have less in common than when we met.

I no longer see many commonalities as necessary to a deeply fulfilling marriage. Not a day has gone by since the day I met G when she hasn't helped me in some way to grow as a human being. I am a very different person than I was at nineteen, not in spite of my marriage, but because of it.

More than anything, what I find in my marriage, is a "deep knowing." G knows me as fully as a human being as probably anyone ever will, and she chooses love. There is something that is deeply fulfilling in receiving true-knowing followed by true, authentic, willing love. In my marriage, in my home, in the family G and I have created together, I belong. That's a feeling unlike any other...belonging.

I am starting to think most people spend their lives in various emotional and mental states that relate to belonging. And starting to think that one of our spiritual tasks is finding a sense of peace in an eternal belonging.

My new hero is Emily Yeung!

2009-07-07T01:25:00.004-04:00

Either that or I am really jealous of all the coool things she gets to do ;-).

I don't have a tv, so thanks to YouTube for this:

http://www.antiracistparent.com/2009/06/30/girls-can-do-anything-ask-emily-yeung/

And OMG I feel like snowtubing now after the end to that vid!

"Here come the boogie boards!"

2009-07-06T23:02:00.008-04:00

I finally had a chance to tag along with my family on one of G's regular trips with the kids to the beach.

I have been missing way too many (read: all) beach trips this summer, and it feels like I am working all the time yet getting nothing done. I can't get this time back with my family, so while the beach will always be there (though goodness knows there is no where I'd rather be than at the beach) I really need to prioritize these beach days higher.

The Fourth of July was a good day to go ahead and play hookie because, well, it's a friggin' holiday and that is what people do! We got a little bit of absolutely heavenly beach time in that afternoon. It was AWESOME! G had been telling me how great it is there with the kids now, and I agree.

G's sister loaned us some boards, thus I found out the kids are starting to boogie board! We could have easily spent the whole day there if only we hadn't needed to fit in a nap! And with G's sister there to watch the kids for a few minutes at a time, G and I fit in a little body surfing.

When I think of the Fourth of July this year, I'll think of M and K running to the water, boogie boards in tow, with K grinning ear to ear and shouting "here come the boogie boards!" I really wish I had photos. It was sooooooo much fun.

That night there was a report that the police were cracking down on fireworks, even though there is no longer a city show, but we went back to the beach anyway, and found that there was quite an impressive number of fireworks. It was incredible to watch, albeit slightly scary.

What a good day.

Dreams...

2009-07-05T22:52:00.006-04:00

Something I dream of doing with my children is a trip to Africa, perhaps Ghana. I think the cultural exchange aspect of such a trip would be amazing!

There is at least one organization (http://www.globalvolunteers.org/) I have found that has a volunteer program in Ghana for families to do together. Since I have no money at all, I'd have to fundraise it. That's common for folks traveling to volunteer. Adding up the program fee for one (not sure how much they would charge for kids as young as mine) plus a very, very modest assumption about the cost of the flight, it seems like I would need a minimum of about 80 people to donate $50.

I see that and think, "that could be do-able." And then a second later I think, "I'd be crazy to imagine I could do that." Say I could get 25 folks from the church, 5 from my family, 5 from G's family, and 5 friends to do it. That's half of what I would need. The problem would be the other half. Plus, I am assuming there would be naysayers about a trip like that for a young family (including G, who has already said she is not going to come with us...she even hates traveling in the states), so I'd have to address that for fundraising. Hmmm.

In over my head and the science project of a lifetime...

2009-06-30T00:55:00.005-04:00

I need to help approximately 10-20 seven-ten year olds create a giant (and by giant...I mean truly GIANT) model of our galaxy-- yes, I meant galaxy, not solar system-- in a very large hall at the church.

And I need to do it on a pretty restricted budget, no more than a couple hundred dollars.

The challenges include:

1. The galaxy is, well, giant, and I need basically a map of it even though it isn't fully mapped.

2. Since there isn't a complete map, I need to decide what is important to demonstrate about the galaxy, and figure out a way to demonstrate those elements first and foremost. I am thinking the vastness is a start, but there are more specific scientific points that shouldn't probably be demonstrated.

3. Hopefully, the galaxy will be hung. I have to figure out what to use for materials. Balloons, beach balls, styrofoam balls...?? At first I was thinking that each would represent a star or planet, and that we would create a "condensed"/mini/unfinished version of the galaxy, but I am realizing after looking at the second picture here that it might be better and would definitely be more accurate to use each one for a solar system...perhaps sharpie pens to mark the systems??

Oh, and I have been researching and strategizing for a while, but it is coming down to the wire. I have two weeks to get this figured out and set up. Ack! Help!!!!!! I need some good advice, tips, ideas, and suggestions, and it can't include "give up."

Here are the links I've found helpful or awe-inspiring so far, aside from the fantastic one above, with the picture:

Another Random Treasure From an Unrelated Internet Search

2009-06-22T01:20:00.002-04:00

Check this out...here are free online yoga classes, with videos. Looks like it could be a wonderful resource!

http://www.anmolmehta.com/blog/classes-online/

Divinity School Applications

2009-06-18T21:37:00.009-04:00

I have convinced myself there is no way I can get into Harvard, let alone get the required massive financial aid to go (not to mention get the part-time student status required, which will require a special exemption). In case I get the courage to apply, I woke up in the middle of the night the other night and scribbled out a first draft of a "statement of purpose," one of the items required for admission to Harvard's Master of Divinity program.

It felt really genius at the time, but as with most "2:00am writing," if I use anything from it at all, it will need a lot of work.

Meanwhile, I thought I could do myself a favor by putting out an initial request for my letters of recommendation, even though the school does not yet have its recommendation letter forms (which it specifies it needs) online for next year's applicants. While I was online looking for the forms, however, I read something I apparently missed previously: "At least TWO of these letters must be solicited from college, university, or seminary professors who have taught the applicant and are therefore well acquainted with the applicant's academic qualifications." Ah, shit.

I graduated from my most recent school experience in 2001, if memory serves. Since that time, the program I was in underwent a serious overhaul, and I just went searching online to discover that *none* of the faculty from my days in attendance are with the university anymore. So now I have to go hunt them down, and hope that I can find them, and then hope that they are doing something that will look good to freaking HARVARD on letterhead. And THEN hope that they actually remember me (I was an outstanding student of course, LOL, but who knows...their names have since faded from my own memory, so I wouldn't blame them if the same was true for them in regards to me).

Not only that, but suddenly I am starting to wonder if I was supposed to send a thank you note to the Harvard professor who allowed me to sit in on his class (oops!). And if I shot myself in the foot with my inability to attend more classes than I did.

Cold feet time. I am feeling really defeated, and I've hardly begun. My goal was to work through most of the application materials (as well as FASFA materials, etc. for financial aid) over the summer, so that in the fall, when the application is published, I can focus on that. The fall is an immensely busy time at work in any case, and I figured I was doing myself a favor.

But I am terrified, and that makes me simultaneously obsess and procrastinate. Not a good combo!

I think it would help if I could get my self to stop imagining all the other grand candidates. I am who I am. But suddenly the statistics I referenced a few months ago look different. Before I saw:

Applied 677
Admitted 253
Incoming 160
MDiv 50
MTS 100
ThD 6
ThM 4

...and thought, "hey 253 out of 677 isn't bad at all. And since most of the incoming students are MTS students, there probably weren't that many MDiv applicants."

But now I look at it, and think, my chances of being admitted could hover somewhere in the 60-70% range, and probably plenty of those admitted last year didn't get necessary financial aid, because of those that were admitted, about 40% aren't going. Besides, what if there were plenty of MDiv applications, but they just don't accept as many into the program so my chances are even less. Or what if they gave out less financial aid for those studies or...(ad nauseum).

By the way, if you are curious, all the application materials are listed about 1/5 or 1/6 of the way down this page: http://www.hds.harvard.edu/afa/apply/requirements.html.

(I am assuming if I prepare all these materials, I'll have most everything I'll need for the other school to which I am applying as well.)

The big question is, will I apply or won't I?

Politically, about Obama, I feel...patient

2009-06-15T13:47:00.004-04:00

While searching a TOTALLY unrelated topic on the web, I came across this blog: http://www.emilytroutman.blogspot.com/, and on it, this video: http://emilytroutman.blogspot.com/2009/01/president-obama-inauguration-words-for.html.

Watching the video, I was most touched by those who used the word "human" to describe their feelings in the days after Obama's election. Now, about six months later, the question still seems relevant enough...and my answer would still be one of those from the list:

Patient.

It was hard to know, in November, whether we should congratulate Obama on winning or send him our sympathies. What a mess! So far, steady feet. Not perfection. I didn't expect that. Not "everything I could ever agree with and nothing else." I didn't expect that either. But steady feet, humble but strong, thoughtful, and strategic leadership, and a genuine effort at leadership with integrity. I am feeling open, willing to participate, and patient.

And I thank Peacebang for her reaction to this photo, here, which I didn't mirror in enthusiasm, but could truly appreciate: http://www.peacebang.com/2009/06/04/i-hope-you-saw-this/

Maybe I am an old woman in a youngish body...

2009-05-29T13:12:00.003-04:00

...but at 30 I am already a curmudgeon. I don't like some emerging social norms, and they make me have that old worry of "what is the new generation coming to?"

If you own a cell and use text messaging, please keep in mind that while you think a big benefit to texting is that you can quietly and discreetly message others while in a meeting and so forth, you are not as discreet as you think. Though some may accept it, it can be highly distracting for some. And yes, no matter how much you participate in the discussion at hand, it sends a clear message that the people you are with do not deserve your full and undivided attention.

Edited to add that interestingly, right after I published this post, I saw this: http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/26/health/26teen.html

Having a large quantity vs. having a large amount: value

2009-05-25T22:20:00.004-04:00

Recently I've written a lot of good blog posts in my head, but I am sorry to report that now that I finally have a chance to sit down and write, they have all escaped my head.

That said, I do have an interesting child development report regarding my son, M.

Earlier this year, I tried to introduce M. to the idea of counting money, and also saving/donating/investing/spending money. I had hoped it would be a math, economics, social justice, and sensory (coin recognition) exercise that we could work through in multiple ways during Montessori as well as through a very small-change allowance. He took little, if any, interest.

However, lately he's begun asking for more things, and I've had to say no quite a bit. Sometimes I have a reason in addition to financial limitations, but not always. When money is the only reason, I've taken an honest, though not (I hope) fear-inspiring, approach with him. "I don't have money for that" is an answer that seems to be satisfactory at least half of the time still, particularly when I can think quickly enough on my feet to redirect his interest to something fun we can do together.

Today he told me he wanted to eat at a restaurant. I told him I didn't have money for it. "Yes you do, you have a lot of money! Do you want me to show you where it is?" he replied. "Sure," I said (I'll admit that I was secretly hoping he'd found some forgotten dollar bills somewhere in the house). And he disappeared into my bedroom. He returned a moment or two later with a jar of change that I generally use for tolls, but that contains mostly pennies. "Look! You have a lot of money here!"

I asked him, "M, do you want to know how much money this is?" and he eagerly nodded his head. We began counting. I told him that a hundred pennies is equal to one dollar. By twenty pennies, he had tired of counting, and left the work to me. By thirty or forty pennies, apparently tired of waiting for the tally, he was telling me, "that is one hundred...that's a dollar." I kept at it, and finally we got to one hundred pennies. There was still a little bit of random change left, including some more pennies, so I counted that too and added it in. I actually was pleasantly surprised it was as much as it was, close to $3.00!

"See!" M. declared victoriously, "we can eat at a restaurant."

So then we had a talk about what $3.00 could buy, and how it is a lot of money in a way, but not a lot of money when it comes to things like eating at restaurants. I got out the kids' "piggy bank" again. I gave the kids the quarters that were in the change jar, and made sure they added one to each section of the piggy bank (it's actually a "cow bank," a Christmas gift for the kids from my mother!): one for saving, one for spending, one for investing, and one for donating. I told them I would give them more when I could. Trying to think of something that would really motivate them, and inspired by my friend Sara's ice cream-allowance connection from when her kids were a bit younger, I told the kids that when they had about 16 quarters, it should be enough for each of them to get an ice cream treat at the corner store.

They were really excited about this, though I worried a bit about whether they could wait as long as it would take to collect 16 quarters. Still, I felt good because it seemed like M. at least had a starting point to make the connection that just because you have a large quantity of coins doesn't mean that you have a large amount of money. It seems like a good basic math and economics lesson.

Then my alternative to going to a restaurant to eat was to take the kids to a new park, in a neighborhood near us that we hadn't explored yet. We had to drive there, and when we arrived, we found an ice cream truck in the parking lot. Yikes! This had M. digging in every nook and crannie of the car, where he found a total of about five pennies, which he insisted could buy him some ice cream afterall! When I finally convinced him five pennies wasn't enough, he took up the idea that he could wish 100 pennies into existence to make a dollar, simply by saying that is what he had. I told him I wasn't even sure if they sold anything for a dollar anyway. It took some convincing for him to let go of the idea, and I was a tiny bit tempted to let him go up to the truck and try and buy something just so he'd believe me. I guess we still have a ways to go, but I still feel excited that he is starting to pick up on the difference between quantity and value.

It makes me feel like giving up my debit card for a bit, so he can watch me grocery shop with cash, and help me keep track of what I am spending. I wonder if I could carry an envelope with a certain amount of cash and coins, and hand him the right amount of money (approximately) for each item I am purchasing so that he can physically watch the amount change as we decide on purchases.

I also wonder if there are any printable charts on the internet that outline for kids about how much it costs to buy a variety of items (from a gumball to an ice cream cone to a toy truck). If not, maybe I'll make him one. Meanwhile, we'll keep counting change when he shows some interest. I'm curious to watch how this kind of knowledge will develop for him.

A Photo

2009-05-20T15:30:00.001-04:00

This last weekend we had our Celebrating Adoption session with the gracious MA photographer, Megan Peck. She just emailed us that she posted one of the photos on her blog: http://www.meganpeckphotographyblogspot.com/. Enjoy!

Welcome Baby!

2009-05-14T15:41:00.003-04:00

I just heard my younger brother and his wife's new little baby made her entry into this world this afternoon. Welcome baby E! We're sure you'll love it here...enjoy the journey!

Eh, Horoscope Shmorascope

2009-05-07T01:30:00.002-04:00

Did I mention my horoscope basically said not to open my mouth for a while. Not a peep.

Sibling Therapy? Who Knew!

2009-05-06T17:11:00.002-04:00

A writer contacted me today to ask if she could interview me for an article she is writing on issues in adoption. I've been looking over her other work to decide if I am willing to be interviewed. I found an interesting article:

Cain and Abel, Meet the Couch

One of the things I thought was interesting is looking at sibling relationships as perhaps the longest relationships we'll have in our lives. And although the examples were depressing and about highly dysfunctional families, I did think it was helpful to use the term "historians" for siblings.

A Couple More Cute, Quick Stories

2009-05-05T02:36:00.004-04:00

Today I was watching the kids play on these "cars" the person who used to own our house left for them. After a while, M pulled his car up next to K's and said, "Do you want to have a conversation?"

Also, G told me that a few days ago when they were visiting with G's sister, M cleaned up his "dirty joke" for his aunty. M and K have this ongoing joke they tell at home. It is simply:

"Poo poo in the egg!" Followed by giggling.

Our rule is that they can stay stuff like that at home, when we don't have guests, but that they may not talk about things like pee and poop in front of others, or when we are out and about. So, to his aunty, M said:

"Aunty B...bubble in the egg!" Followed by giggling.

It's impossible not to laugh at a beginner joke teller who thinks his jokes are hilarious, so she laughed. But she really appreciated the humor later when G told her that this was a cleaned up "dirty joke."

Sweet Big Brother Moment

2009-05-04T00:41:00.003-04:00

With two kids eleven months apart in age, there can definitely be moments of sibling rivalry, fighting, and all the rest.

But then there are these incredibly sweet and tender moments when I remember that my kids are truly best friends too, and that they love each other dearly.

Ever since M's birthday party at the firestation, almost every day, the kids have wanted to read the fire-safety coloring books that the firefighters gave them. There is stuff in there about creating a fire safety plan with your family, including a safe meeting place outside your house.

M has said all kinds of cute things about this, including insisting that our meeting place should actually be at church because that is a good, safe spot LOL. I told him that we had to meet somewhere that he could go by himself, in case mamas couldn't get out of the house. We had decided on the basketball hoop in the driveway we share with our neighbor. That's because we don't want the kids out by the street, and the driveway is a safe distance away from the street, and up a little hill. The hoop is on our neighbor's side of the driveway. Of course, since we normally don't let the kids go out on the driveway without supervision, this was a bit alarming to M. Tonight he asked about K getting out to the meeting spot. He seemed a bit worried until he said with confidence, "I will hold her TIGHT and keep her safe!"

He followed that up with, "When she is four, she can go out by herself like me [if there is a fire]."

They love each other so much!

WTF?!

2009-05-02T00:01:00.002-04:00

I'm beginging to worry that the state of Washington is bankrupt. They owe us money. A fair amount. Every week they promise the glitch in their accounting/payments system has been fixed...essentially that the check is in the mail. Every day that envelope fails to appear in our mailbox. This has been going on since February.

Another Language Observation: Accents etc.

2009-04-29T22:31:00.006-04:00

When folks think of the Boston-and-area accent, they often think about the dropping of "r" sounds, as in the word "party" sounding more like "potty" and "car" or "park" sounding like "cah" or "pahk."

Below are two examples of less commonly known aspects of the accent, though interestingly, it should be noted that in terms of accent, there is a very large difference going just 15 miles in one direction or another. For example, the town Woburn is often pronounced by folks in the town as "Woo-bin." That's a north shore accent. In Boston or on the south shore, you'd hear something more along the lines of "Woo-burn."

The "ahh" sound doesn't just replace dropped "r"s. It is also the sound of many "a"s. However, it is very, very subtle and happens only in a portion of a Bostonian's speech, so you won't notice it right away. For example, "trash" is slightly more like "tr-ah-sh" (like "wash") and "fast" is slightly more like "fahst." The English influence perhaps?
"A"s are changed to "r"s almost as much as "r"s are changed to "a"s. For example, "Tina" often sounds like "teen-erh."

Probably the hardest city to pronounce in MA is Worcester. I still have not been able to perfect my pronunciation. The sounds can get very subtle. Fortunately for me, an acceptable twist on the name is "Whister" or "Whista." "Woostah" is another acceptable variety, but there is a subtle but noticeable difference in how townies say that vs. everybody else, and I wouldn't suggest that most folks who aren't from Worcester or the area attempt this version of the name. When I first moved to MA, I tried to do what the Worcester townies do and get the right blend of the word with something like the sounds in the sauce with a similar name. Big mistake. It never comes out right. People from out of town often do this (second to "Woorchester") saying things like "Wooshter" or something like that, and this would be considered an improper pronunciation of the town here. Like I said, fortunately for me, there is always "Whister" to call back on.

One term I never heard (at least not much) before moving to MA is "it is what it is." I hear that here a LOT! I even have heard it a few times on the news. This is a term that either rose significantly in use after we moved, or is fairly regional (either that, or I just hear it a lot because people don't think highly of me and the things I do LOL). G's translation is, "it's sh*t and it's sh*t." It's kind of like a verbal throwing-up-of-hands, an "oh-well" type thing to say. I think it is a spin off from the New England version of being polite, which is to give lots of space and privacy to other people. If G's translation is correct, it's a pretty non-confrontational way of saying something is sh*t.

Interesting, this language thing.

"Can't Get the Colorado Out of the Girl"

2009-04-28T14:30:00.007-04:00

The other day I sent home a notice to some of my youth about an upcoming event. In the announcement, I said the youth should bring a "sack lunch" with them.

Well, on Sunday one of the parents (who happened to be on my search committee) came to me and said that he shared my notice with his wife because he thought it was funny. She's from Colorado, and her reply was, "you can't get the Colorado out of the girl." He informed me that my use of the word "sack" would be unfamiliar and odd around here, and he said with some concern that people might think I was being weird. He told me the proper word in New England is "bag" not "sack."

I don't remember us using the term "sack" much growing up, but according to this congregant's wife, it is something I likely picked up living in Colorado. I imagine I use the words interchangably now. Most likely for shopping bags or trash/garbage/rubbish, I say "bag," and for things like lunches, I say "sack." On one online quiz I took, it turned up that I have no accent at all, so my interchangable use of regional terms makes sense.

I have not been able to effectively move, however, to saying "carriage" instead of "cart" when shopping, or "carriage" instead of "stroller" when towing the kids around town.

Anyway, this congregant ever so nicely suggested I use the internet to get a list of words that are used and not used in New England to help me assimilate. Funny.

So far, this is what I've been able to find (some have some pretty offensive terms or describe pretty offensive useage, and only a couple address the sack vs. bag issue):
http://www.bu.edu/mfeldman/Boston/wicked.html
http://www.worcestermass.com/words.shtml
http://dare.wisc.edu/
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regional_vocabularies_of_American_English
http://popvssoda.com/
http://www.theheartofnewengland.com/lifeinnewengland/Essays/accents.html

Race and Adoption

2009-04-24T11:24:00.004-04:00

I've been thinking a lot about race and racism recently. A LOT. Now that Obama is president, whites seem to think we are post-race, which they think also gives them permission to be more overt about their subtle racism. In some ways I'm glad it is no longer *quite* as subtle and insidious because it is easier to deal with overt racism. But I can't believe the things that are coming out of folks' mouths right now. [sound of me throwing up as I think about it]

Anyway, so I've been thinking about race and racism a lot.

And ta-da, one of my friends online produced one more interesting related read this morning:
http://www.newsweek.com/id/194886

Social Justice Blog

2009-04-20T11:20:00.001-04:00

It's a busy day at work today, so I don't have time to say much. However, I did want to post a link to this blog, which might be of interest to those who want to keep in touch with humanitarian and other concerns around the world: http://www.uusc.org/blog/hotwire.html.

They're Growing Up!

2009-04-18T22:02:00.003-04:00

Today was M's fourth birthday party. It was at the firestation (tip for parents of preschoolers: firestations are a great birthday party activity, and they usually offer tours for groups of kids for as little as a plate of brownies...this is M's second firestation party), followed by cake at the church. The kids played on firetrucks, saw the firefighters raise and climb the super high ladder, watched a fireman slide down a pole into the firetruck garage, saw a firefighter dressed in fire gear, turned the lights on in the firetrucks, heard the sirens, watched a couple trucks take off for real-life emergencies, were given firesafety coloring books and pencils, and basically had an all-around blast.

We had at least fourteen kids I think, though I lost count LOL. Originally seventeen had RSVP'd! Fourteen or more preschoolers +the firestation +partying at the church=exhausting! And our exhaustion was compounded when G's father hit his head very hard on the car door on the way over, resulting in a probable concussion, and got quite ill. He hung on until the end of the party, but did take off for the ER afterward. Nonetheless, G. had to stay back with him at the church during the firestation portion of the party (sad), and G's sister and mom were unable to help with setup. I should have taken tomorrow as one of my Sunday's off. I am here at work trying to get ready for the day tomorrow and just completely brain dead.

Hmmm...this seemed to be an ER/car themed week as well, come to think of it. Friday I spent the day in the ER with M after he slammed his finger in the car door. It was very swollen and looked awful, but it turned out it was not broken, and it looks much better today.

Anyway, so the kids are growing up. K celebrated her third birthday last month, and here M is turning four. Whew! Every year, it cracks me up how M seems to like to time his developmental leaps around his birthday ;-). He learned to use the toilet almost overnight right around his third birthday. We had backed off from working on it with him, and suddenly, he turned three, and he was out of diapers. He has, however, continued to need diapers overnight until now, suddenly, he is waking up dry almost every day and from almost every nap. It looks like he'll be entirely out of diapers any day now.

He just seems like such a "kid" now. He now helps his sister with all kinds of tasks, in this "big brotherly" way that is somewhat new and so sweet. He is making leaps and bounds into independence. I even let him go by himself for introductions with a neighbor whose name he didn't know. The neighbor was working in his yard across the street, and M asked to go make introductions by himself. So I stood on the sidewalk, told M when it was safe to walk, let him cross and ask the neighbor his name (and tell the neighbor his own name), and then had him wait across the street until I told him it was safe to cross. Being a new englander (out here people seem to think it is best to "give others room"), I think the neighbor might have thought it was a little weird for M to come over and make introductions, but M was really proud of himself! I was proud of him too. I never would have *dreamed* of letting him do this even a month ago, maybe even a couple of weeks ago. He just was too unpredictable. But now at four he is shifting into complete focus and attention to detail. He was ready to follow the rules, and I could tell.

I also love how now M calls this neighbor by his name. Whereas before he was just "the neighbor," now he is J. We were having a picnic on the front porch the other day and a car alarm went off somewhere in the distance. As we listened to the faint alarm sounds, M. said, "do you think J hears it?" Something so sweet about it, and it warms new england by at least a degree for me.

Preorder Your Alternative to Saccharine Laced Anthologies Now

2009-04-15T09:58:00.004-04:00

My Baby Rides the Short Bus is now ready for pre-orders at Amazon.com. This is a book of anthologies written by parents of children with special needs. It is specifically written by voices of marginalized, "minority," and punk parents.

You can get a better peek at what the book will be like at the My Baby Rides the Short Bus blog.

Seminary and Commitment(/Focus)

2009-04-10T01:26:00.004-04:00

I sent off a thank you note today to the Dean of Students at one of the seminaries I am looking at. She had personally invited me over to the open house at her school, and she made sure I received a very warm welcome. It was a very good experience, and I've regretted that I've been so remiss in sending her a note.

It's been a little while since I've done a lot of thinking about seminary. I attended at least one more class over at Harvard since I last posted, but since the first time I went over to Harvard I got a $50 parking ticket I can't afford to pay and the second time I went over to Harvard my car died, I admit that my energy for going there when I don't have a commitment to do so is a little diminished. The spring has also been really, really full of meetings at work and G. has been complaining that I haven't been home enough. So it's on the backburner just slightly, which is okay because I feel more certain now that I will apply to two seminaries this fall/winter and that I will hold off on a decision about which one to attend until I at least find out if I am accepted.

I'm sort of in that lull between having a plan and needing to act on that plan. I will start working on my applications over the summer, but the official Harvard application form doesn't even get posted until the fall anyway.

A friend of ours, with whom we are creating a shared garden this summer, said while we were deciding when to start germinating seeds, "Let's do this today so I don't lose interest." I laughed quietly inside, noting "at least I am not the only one." Remember when I posted about pet frogs and my problem with commitment, which seems to stem from cold feet about anything which at some point required a decision on my part? I hate to admit it, but I think part of the problem is that I am also addicted to stirring things up because I like my life stirred. I like orderly chaos ;-). And yes, I know, that is an oxymoron. G jokes with me that just when things get settled and she is getting comfortable, I say, "So what next?" It is also a matter of attention span. My brain goes a million directions a minute. It's easy for me to forget how many balls I am juggling, and pick up another one without realizing that this means one that is already in the air will fall.

I think this lull is a danger zone for me because it would be easy to get interested in something else that delays my application. Don't misunderstand. I am going to apply. My sense of calling and my interest in seminary is not fleeting. Not in the least. I've been feeling this for eight years or more now. This is more a shift of calling than anything. But it would be easy for me to get distracted and do something else and then find myself this autumn in a position in which applying isn't going to be possible. Then I would have to put this off again, and I don't want to do that, nor should I.

I'm not sure how to keep myself on track, though, other than keeping some things on my calendar reminding myself to work on my applications this summer. I've already done that. So the coming months will definitely be a test.

(Dear Lord, oh how I hope you will soothe this ADHD soul of mine.)

Some Humor Brought to You By Pre-Teens

2009-04-03T23:20:00.005-04:00

A ten and twelve year old boy at church tonight showed me this. Apparently its a thing, but well, it did make me laugh:

Today Was "Speak Your Mind" Day

2009-04-03T22:37:00.007-04:00

Well, at least that's the side of the bed I rolled out of today.

I may have been too whiny to be deserving of a gift, but that is a different story.

Anyway, I learned a few other things about myself during "speak your mind day":

1. According to my value system, speaking out against insidious racism is highly important. When such racism is occurring publicly, I may find it worthy of a public response if that seems most effective in the moment.

2. Over time, I work up courage to speak up about things that bother me. The first or second time I witness a similar type of event, I may not say anything at all, but by the third time (even if I am with different people in a different situation) all bets just may be off.

3. The more someone's previous behavior seemed wrong, the more their current behavior will seem wrong to me when they are doing something offensive (vs. someone else doing the same thing without the same history). This is especially true for some reason or another in my view of certain famous people.

4. I expect that if someone sends me one of those forwarded emails, the subject is open for discussion. If such an email has been sent to a large list of folks, I tend to think that reasoning people will assume it is open for discussion and won't be confused by a public reply.

5. Since forwarded emails bother many folks, I rarely send them. If someone sends one to me, I figure a response couldn't be more bothersome to anyone who has already received the forward. I tend to think such responses are delightful because they are always much more thoughtful than the forward.

6. I occassionally get cranky and run out of patience when people think we are somehow "past racism" or that they couldn't possibly harbor unexamined prejudices-- big or small-- or that they couldn't possibly be oppressive of others in any way because they are good people. Being good doesn't take you out of a system of institutional racism.

7. There are some things I just don't find funny. If it is something racist, not only will I not laugh, but I won't perpetuate the problem by refusing to speak up. I also may fail to see the humor in any follow-up jokes meant to mend fences.

8. There are some hills I am willing to "die on."

Sorry. This isn't meant to be a cryptic message. Just some self-observations upon reflection at the end of the day. Nothing major happened. I just got a forwarded email that really bothered me (one of the most offensive things I've heard in a long time), responded that it was disturbing, heard back from the sender that it was rude for me to bother all her friends and family by replying all, and replied back to apologize for the misunderstanding and to explain that my error occurred because I thought that the subject had been opened for discussion. Don't worry. We all kissed and made up and everything. But I can't say I feel what I did was wrong. That email wasn't fit for public consumption in the first place, in my humble opinion.

I Am Sick!

2009-03-31T00:27:00.001-04:00

That is all. Ugh.

My Superhero Alter-Ego

2009-03-22T00:15:00.002-04:00

Do you have one?

This is something good to know about

2009-03-17T15:56:00.003-04:00

A week or two ago, a mom on one of my internet discussion boards posted that she will be deploying to Iraq shortly. She has a one year old. She was looking for tips and commiseration from folks who have been through such things, and I posted to her about my experiences being separated from my kids a year and a half ago. Then someone else posted this, which I had never seen before:

http://www.hugahero.com/index.php

I thought that this type of concept (maybe the picture blanket squares) would have been another source of comfort for my kids when we were apart. It was truly an incredibly difficult period on both ends. One of the interesting things I heard said about the war in Iraq on NPR a few weeks ago was that this war is an unusual one in that the human toll continues to be great, but that statistically, few of us actually know anyone who is deployed. Still, I think this is a good resource to know about for anyone any of us may come across who is looking for family resources before they deploy (or are facing separations from their kids like I was, for other reasons).

Oh, was that me?

2009-03-15T00:22:00.002-04:00

http://www.nbc.com/30_Rock/video/episodes/#vid=1059701

Hmmm, first 40 seconds of "30 Rock" this week reminded me just a little too much of myself. Hilarious!

Mom and Baby Yoga

2009-03-13T01:37:00.006-04:00

Here are my kids, back in Jan. following along to a "mom and baby yoga" DVD. Pretty darn cute, huh?!

This post has a specific purpose and may not be permanent, so comments are unecessary :-).

Scary (and Cute)

2009-03-11T07:58:00.003-04:00

Today K. and I were talking about nursing. She had asked about whether I have milk in my boobs. K. of course did not nurse, as it isn't allowed in foster care, but she knows that some kids get their milk from nursing. I told K. that when she is an adult, she can nurse her babies (if she is a mama).

She corrected me, "No, when I am a teenager."

I said, "No, when you are an adult you can be a mama," to which she incredulously and firmly replied, "No! When I am a teeeeeenager!"

"Bushvilles"

2009-03-10T20:20:00.002-04:00

Another Blog I Neglected To Mention

2009-03-10T19:46:00.005-04:00

http://zachaboard.blogspot.com/

This blog belongs to a totally brilliant, creative, kind and generous, and all-around awesome houseboat-living mom I know from "elsewhere on the internet."

I also corrected a few blog links from my shout-out post, as they were to specific posts rather than the general blogs. If I missed any incorrect links, let me know.

(Added link to original post 3-10-09)

Another Cool Artist to Check Out

2009-03-09T00:14:00.006-04:00

On Facebook, I re-connected with an old friend tonight, Brianna Martray. She and I met in the UU youth scene back in the day. Turns out she is now in the Denver art scene, and she has been doing some amazing art. Here is her stuff: http://www.briannamartray.com. Thought she was deserving of a plug on my blog.

Sad

2009-03-07T18:32:00.005-05:00

I just opened an email newsletter from the HANDLE institute to learn that its founder, Judith Bluestone, died this February. Our family experience with HANDLE was tremendously powerful, and Judith's book The Fabric of Autism: Weaving the Threads Into a Cogent Theory (which I personally prefer in audio format) remains on my all-time favorites list.

What sad news!

On a totally different note, here is another blog I neglected to put on my list. This is a mom I know from "elsewhere on the internet." She blogs periodically. Please note that she has music on her blog, so you'll want to turn down your speakers if you are at work or have a sleeping babe next to your speaker or anything like that ;-). http://adventureswithboandboo.blogspot.com/

(Added link to original post 3-10-09)

What a Wild and Amazing Couple of Days!

2009-03-06T21:20:00.005-05:00

Yesterday I went to Harvard Divinity School for a seminar/panel presentation on religious responses to intimate partner violence. The speakers included a Rabbi, an Imam, and several ministers including one who operates an interfaith Safehaven program. It was an interesting seminar, and I found it valuable to commit some time to this topic, especially in anticipation of a "Safe Congregations" meeting I will be attending next Wednesday in the church I serve.

After the program, I thanked the speakers I could catch, and in particular the two women who appeared to have organized the seminar (I took an incorrect exit thus was late and missed introductions, so don't know for sure). I let them know that I am both a religious professional and a prospective divinity school student. Little did I know that I was chatting with the Dean of Students from Andover-Newton Theological School. She promptly gave me the proper hints to clue me in, and then encouraged me to come check out the school. She took my email so we could schedule a time to chat, about another topic but also about the school. And she told me there was an open house the following day (today) at Andover-Newton, which she urged me to attend.

I decided to go ahead and go check it out, and I am glad I did. It was a very worthwhile and satisfying day.

The school was beautiful, especially their new chapel. But what really impressed me was the absolute warmth and hospitality of everyone from the president of the school to the student employees who took part in the day. I was greeted immediately and with such gracious hospitality (the kind we all strive to express in our churches), and it wasn't long before the Dean spotted me and with a warm smile and hug drew me into the crowd. Shortly she introduced me to another member of the staff with: "This is who I emailed you all about yesterday evening." Wow! Throughout the day, whenever I talked to faculty and staff, they would say, "I am so glad you came today." I truly was blown away by the welcome.

There were several other things that struck me during the day:

1. This school was not only the first theological school in the country, but also the first graduate school of any type in the country! Its tradition has truly shaped the mold for theological education as it is known today. It has a very rich history from which to draw, but it also seems incredibly well-positioned as a forward-thinking, cutting-edge institution. They have just totally restructured their curriculum because they are well aware of the reality that the 21st minister is working in a totally different One of the themes of the day was

A List of Blogs I've Read (in recent memory) or Read

2009-03-04T23:45:00.012-05:00

Dancin' Yogis

2009-03-01T00:25:00.002-05:00

I think K. and M. really could use some time at the Dancin' Yogis class here:
http://www.mamasmove.com/?page_id=11

This is a someday thing to go on a wish list for sure! Doesn't it sound like a cool idea?!

Random Legalizing Our Marriage Ideas

2009-02-26T22:34:00.006-05:00

At our renewal of our vows when G. and I get legally hitched, I think we should say a family vow too. I think the kids should be allowed to run freely on the beach during the ceremony, but that we should try to call them back for our family vow. And we should do a blessing of our rings-- perhaps in silence with our hands over them -- a symbol of our love and commitment. And bless sturdy but beautiful anklets we make for the kids too, and give them their anklets as a special gift. We should have four anklets, though, and bless the two for children not yet here. I think we should burn our regrets and send them afloat in the water so that they may be purified and made right again with this crazy wild and big universe.

I think our ceremony/ritual should be relaxed and intimate and follow its own rhythm. I think we should basically just exist in our own little world in those moments.

I keep thinking of the fertility ritual from the movie Chutney Popcorn, and the beauty of just being present with the power of our own hearts.

By the way, if you all haven't seen this yet, you should, because everybody should be so lucky.

Visting Harvard Divinity School Classes

2009-02-24T14:54:00.005-05:00

Cool! I just found out I can visit Harvard Divinity School classes this spring! I've now scheduled time in my calendar to visit these classes:

Unitarian and Universalist History in the United States
Introduction to the New Testatment: History and Interpretation
Sex, Gender, and Sexuality
Judaism: The Liturgical Year
The First Epistle to the Corinthians

I'll be visiting classes through April.

Harvard Divinity School

2009-02-24T14:35:00.008-05:00

Hmmm. I guess this is evidence that divinity school may still be in the cards because I found myself wandering over to the Harvard Divinity School website today.

They are no longer accepting applications for '09-10. Folks are supposed to check back in the fall for 2010-11 application info. Why do I always think of this right *after* the application deadline?? Same thing happened last year. Oh well. It is probably not the time.

I did notice these statistics on the HDS website:

Class entering fall 2008:
Applied 677
Admitted 253
Incoming 160
MDiv 50
MTS 100
ThD 6
ThM 4
Students of color 24%
International 8%
Female 58%
Male 42%
Age range 21-58
Average age 27
Student religious affiliations more than 30

...and..."Financial aid is distributed on an equitable and sustained basis to all students who demonstrate financial need. The policies and practices of the office coalesce in producing a community of students pursuing scholarly and ministerial goals that embrace the ethnic, theological, and denominational diversity of our world."

Weekly Horoscope Check-In

2009-02-24T14:17:00.004-05:00

As you all know, I am a horoscope skeptic, ironically obsessed with my horoscope since I found the AstroStyle website because their 'scopes always seem so "right on" for me. Anyway, here is my weekly horoscope from that site, with my comments in purple:

Workaholic alert! You may be a little too emotionally wrapped up in your career at the moment.

VERY interesting. I preached on Sunday, and found myself with a renewed vigor by Sunday evening. I was feeling a really intense sense of vocational focus and seriously hammered away on some big projects until after two in the morning! I took Sabbath on Monday, but thought about work throughout the day and returned to work today with a lot of momentum. I am seeing this as very positive, and I will continue to see it as positive, but I guess I also have to be careful not to overdo it.

While it's wonderful to be ambitious, striving too hard for status, fame, or prestige could cause you to forget your values. You don't want to step on people as you climb the ladder to success. That's simply too much bad karma to bring into your life.

I guess it would be nice to have warning if people's feelings could become an issue. I wasn't seeing any danger of stepping on anyone with the projects I'm working on, but I guess I'll keep my eyes out!

Oh, wait, I just thought of something that this could absolutely be about...the current strategic planning and goal development. Oh, yeah. I can definitely see this being an issue if I am not careful. Will try to be even more restrained than I've been lately.

A little detachment is advised.

Whether horoscopes are valid or not, I think this is terrific and very helpful advice for the strategic planning meeting tonight. Will try very hard to keep it in mind.

Your work is important, but don't let it define all of who you are. You may also need to make a few sacrifices in the name of your career growth. Be selective.

Hmmm...have no idea right at the moment what that could mean. Perhaps time will tell.

If there's an opportunity to learn from an industry expert, jump on it--even if you do the work for free.

I'm not sure yet what this means either, but I can see a couple of opportunities to which this *might* apply. Will have to think on it.

An issue with a prominent male relative needs healing. You may have to extend the olive branch this time. Let go of grudges and make peace.

Huh. I wonder if this is true for me or not. The only guy-person with whom my relationship has been shaky (as far as I know) is my brother, and that's been going on for years. I feel like I've been doing my part, but maybe???

Antidote to Saccharine Laced Anthologies

2009-02-22T18:39:00.005-05:00

Here is a book coming out sometime in the next few months, and it is going to be very good: http://shortbusbook.blogspot.com/. I hope you all will pick up a copy.

Way back when, when the editors were first calling for submissions, this was the vision they described for their book: "My Baby Rides the Short Bus will be an antidote to the saccharine laced anthologies that exist for special needs parents. It will give punk, alternative, and marginalized parents a place to write about their realities."

I'm sure it will be interesting and moving reading for anyone, whether you have a kid with a so-called-special-need or not!

Yesterday's Music

2009-02-17T15:49:00.006-05:00

I realized yesterday that one interesting thing I could post periodically on my blog is what music my kids are listening to. We don't have IPODs or anything, so thank goodness for things like the internet where we can find a variety of music when we don't have it on hand.

What my kids listened to yesterday:

Pink (until I decided the kids were listening too closely to the lyrics of "So What")
Rihanna
Mediterranean Lullabies (one of two naptime standards)
The Cure
Kid Cudie
Regina Spektor
Bob Marley
The Beattles
The Cranberries
Judy Collins
Nanmo Amituofo
Bruce Springsteen
The Murmurs

A Valentine's Day Request About My Birthday, To My "True Love"

2009-02-15T00:30:00.005-05:00

Over the Christmas season my kids learned the song "12 Days of Christmas" pretty much in its entirety. There is nothing sweeter than hearing my two and three year old belt out, "On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me." So, sometime toward the end of the season, M. asks me, "Mama, who is your true love?"

That is a three year old question to make a heart melt alright. I don't want to forget that one.

I told M. that my beautiful children and my beautiful wife are my "true loves." He liked that answer, but I wonder if he thought I was cheating a bit to name them all. So on this Valentine's Day, I'll choose the romantic meaning of the phrase "true love." Here's a letter to my wife, G. about not a Christmas gift wish, but a birthday wish. (Just in case she reads my blog.)

Dear G.,

My 30th birthday is coming up and you've been asking for ideas of how to make it special. Other than wanting to spend it with you and the kids, there are few things I want or need. Of course I dearly wish we could all go visit Colorado or that our folks there could come visit us, but I know that isn't possible so let me tell you something else that would make my heart sing:

Honey, let's get legal. Ever since we moved here we've put off going to get our marriage legalized, but its a great joy to be able to do so and we really ought to do it for so many reasons. The reason that we've put it off is because you know I want to make it all romantic and renew our vows and all that, and you're afraid I'll invite people and you'll have to talk in front of everyone like at our wedding. So let me make this deal with you. Why don't we do a private renewal of our vows on the beach with the kids, with only the number of witnesses required. We can have a small party with everyone else afterward to celebrate if you want. But otherwise, let's dress up and take pictures, but make it a quiet elopment and a family thing. That would be a great way to celebrate my 30th birthday month. Because sweetie pie, I love you, and nothing would be bliss like being your lawfully wedded wife :-).

Love, S.

Some Thoughts on Food

2009-02-13T22:53:00.007-05:00

Have you all seen "Depression Cooking With Clara" videos? If not, check them out. I was struck primarily by the notion of turning off the stove and letting pasta cook itself just by sitting with the lid on.

Though Clara's egg drop soup recipe is nothing like "traditional" Chinese egg drop soup as far as I know, I liked her idea of bulking up egg drop soup with potatoes.

I make egg drop soup frequently for myself because it is basically zero Weight Watchers points and is surprisingly filling. I make a really simple version for reasons of economics and time: just broth, with egg whites dropped in through a fork (to break it up) once it is boils. Rarely I thicken the broth a little with a tiny bit of flour whipped in. I use egg whites alone per the standard recipe. Since I can't afford to waste yolks, I cook those up for my kids. Or sometimes I use egg substitute, as it is often more economical if I buy egg sub in bulk at BJs...it only works with Egg Beaters though, no other brands.

I might try Clara's recipe as another egg soup recipe. I also think I'll start adding finely diced carrots and onions in my egg drop soup for more nutrition.

(Photo courtesy of Cake Wrecks)

Something interesting is happening between me and food right now. You know how some people find fats troublesome, and some people find sweets troublesome? As in, some people find they can't control themselves around fats, and others can't control themselves around sweets?

For many years, I have struggled not with fats or sweets, but with both of these. I love food, and I frequently crave fats and sweets. Nothing has worked to rid myself of the cravings, including attempts at getting through some type of "withdrawl" period and quitting "cold turkey."

Recently, however, I've found my desire for sweets to be very low. So low in fact that the idea of having something sweet at times is a total and utter turn off. It's not that I never crave sugar now. I do. But the cravings are less strong and far, far more infrequent. Yesterday I turned down a delicious-looking piece of from-scratch chocolate cake, two different types of ice cream, and an offer of Peanut M & Ms. I'm back to watering down any juices to basically flavored waters, something I have done only periodically over my adult years. And this morning when I saw ice cream sandwiches in my mother-in-law's freezer, they only caught attention briefly before I moved on.

I do think this is more consistent with my genetic make-up. In my family of origin everyone enjoys some sweet treats, but no one as far as I know is overboard in any way like I have been over the years. That watering down juice until it is flavored water thing? That came straight from my mother.

I don't know what is shifting, but I think this will be a nice wave to ride for a while. I am hoping the change in taste preferences is permanent, and for a good reason (growing out of sweets or something) rather than a bad one (my body compensating for wildly fluctuating hourly blood glucose levels from stress and life changes over the last couple years).

Either way, for now, I am quite happy and have a renewed sense of hope about getting my dietary life and overall state of health back in gear. Only problem is, my salty fats cravings have increased slightly...I'm finding that at times, in place of wanting a big slice of cake or something, I want a big snack of potato chips. That said, I'm not worried yet, as the increase is only very minor and might just be a matter of adjustment.

Anyone feeling bitter, scorned, resentfully loving, or unloving or unloved?

2009-02-11T21:12:00.005-05:00

I found an anti-Valentine's Day song for you, just for fun. It's "Silver Lining" by Rilo Kiley.

Is Your Income is Dropping to $500,000?

2009-02-05T13:04:00.006-05:00

Someone on one of my Mothering Boards posted about Obama capping the CEO salaries at $500,000 for those companies receiving federal money ("bailout bucks").

Stealing an idea from another mom, I'd like to offer this to any executives who are facing tough financial issues such as needing to sell their homes or reduce personal employee salaries:

I can help you successfully live on $250,000 a year. I am available for consultant services, and I will help you navigate the changes in your personal financial life. The fee for my services is $250,000 per year.

:)

No, seriously.

My Monthly Horoscope

2009-02-04T00:34:00.003-05:00

This is my monthly horoscope from http://www.astrostyle.com. You should go check out yours!

Who are you and what do you believe in? It’s time to heed the call of your inner truth, Gemini. You’ve got a vision and a purpose—a life that was made for big adventures. Travel, study or new horizons await you in February. Rocket yourself waaaay out of your comfort zone, Gemini. Old perspectives and ways of doing things are simply boring. You’re not a creature of habit anyway, so pack your bags and move out of Dullsville.

On February 9th, the lunar eclipse in your communication sector could bring a surprising message. This is a full moon eclipse, which brings manifestation and closure. If you’ve been waiting for big news, this could be the day it arrives. A situation with a sibling or close friend could also reach a peak.

It’s also a good time to really examine your own thoughts and words. Your mind, while brilliant and active, can be your own worst enemy. If you’ve fallen into negative thinking, you really need to seek new perspectives now. If you’ve been gossipy or just speaking negatively, clean it up. The things you say affect your experience of life, so if possible, find a way to reframe the less savory speak. For example, if someone asks you how you’re doing, just say “Great!” rather than deliver a long, woeful saga. It may seem phony, but it will keep you from indulging in soul-sucking drama.

You should also examine what comes out of your mouth. Do you speak your truth, or have you slipped into Gemini double-talk? With your verbal finesse, words can be your playthings—but others may not appreciate being toyed with. Don’t underestimate the long-term impact of your speaking. Say what you mean, and mean what you say.

Your career heats up after the 18th, when the Sun enters Pisces and your tenth house of success. Begin to put more structure in your life that supports your dreams. On the 25th, the Pisces new moon is a great day to define new goals, or make the leap into your next level of professional success.

There’s one trend you need to know about, because it’s been affecting your sign for the last few months. Strict Saturn is opposing unpredictable Uranus, and your sign is caught in the middle of this battle. The effect is like a tough, Catholic school teacher (Saturn) trying to break bread with the rebellious teenage dropout (Uranus). With both planets forming a tense square with your sign, you’re being pulled in both directions. As if you didn’t have enough duplicity in your life to begin with!

Saturn is in your fourth house of home, family and foundations. You’re being called upon to build a brick house of inner security and personal confidence—against all odds. Gemini, you have a hard time stilling your mind and just “being” with yourself, and Saturn is challenging you to do that.

Under Saturn’s heel, your home life could bring challenges, and they’ll take patient discipline to resolve. Mother-daughter conflict is a strong possibility. A family situation or obligation could demand resources that are scarce for you. It will take all you’ve got at times!
With Uranus in your career sector, your work life could be chaotic, ever-changing and demanding—making it even harder to attend to personal affairs. You certainly could feel in over your head. You’ll need to be extra creative, and to find ways to be disciplined without killing all the spontaneity. The contact between Saturn and Uranus is close this month, and Geminis born in June will feel it the strongest.

The temptation to escape into workaholism (or escape from work) may be strong. The more you run from issues, the deeper they take root. The next 14 years of your life will be affected by the foundation you build (or don’t build) now.

Please, find the time to find yourself. When you have a sense of “you,” everything can be handled and no crisis is too great to overcome. When you’re lost or disconnected from yourself, the smallest dramas can destroy you.Tuning into your body is one way of reconnecting with yourself. No matter how brief, find regular pockets of time to do that. If you don’t have a planner or online calendar, get one now. Ink in time each day to nurture your body and treat yourself to something nice. Beating yourself up is not allowed, and be strict about enforcing that! Gemini, you’re on a path closer to yourself. While it may be rocky, don’t stray off onto the side trails. Keep walking straight ahead and you’ll get there!

She's Amazing!

2009-02-01T00:36:00.005-05:00

The super fabulous, most gracious, and indescribably talented (not to mention rather stylish) Massachusetts photographer Megan Peck volunteers her professional skills and time through an organization called Celebrating Adoption, and she has thus very generously agreed to fit us into her very busy schedule and do a session with our family in May out in G's hometown. It makes me want to cry, she is so sweet to do this for us. Do me a favor: if you know anyone in Massachusetts, please refer them to her. She is in-freaking-credible, and totally deserves the referral.

(Also, go to the Celebrating Adoption website and look up the photographers in your area too...then support them with your business if you can.)

Now here is something I will have on my mind constantly between now and May: what on earth will we wear? I am going to be digging through our closets and hopefully we will find something suitable for all of us (G and I will be the biggest headache...the kids will of course be cute in almost anything...no matter how much we screw it up!). Here is her What To Wear Guide for photo sessions. If it moves too fast, click the "pause" button in the lower right. I'm totally taking suggestions, and as I find options in our closet, I'll post photos of them. If you have patterns for very simple, simple, simple things to sew too, I'd take suggestions on those as well. Oh Yeesh how I wish G or I could sew more seriously than we do. I wonder if we are supposed to plan for one or several outfits? I should probably ask her! I'm hoping I can get at least a shot or two of K. in a dress, but knowing K., most of the session will probably have to be pants.

In Case of Suffering...

2009-01-29T21:45:00.003-05:00

Dearest Family and Friends (an open letter),

In case of suffering, please call me.

I don't want any of my family or friends to suffer silently in these hard economic times. I don't know how many of my local family and friends actually read my blog, but just in case, I want to say here and now that I offer the following:

Shared housing while you are trying to get back on your feet. G and I are having trouble keeping up with all our bills in this new year. It was tough before, but now I have received a salary cut and G is job hunting when jobs are scarce. Come stay with us for a bit if you need a place. Contribute what you can in rent, even if a small amount. It will help us while helping you. Or simply help us out with home repairs or pool maintenance, or car maintenance, or as of this spring, building small raised garden beds for our urban food garden.
Dinner. Sharing meals can help us all keep our spirits up and, done right, will ultimately be cheaper. Let's split some costs and enjoy one another's company. Your house or ours. Bring the ingrediants you can scrounge up and we'll bring what we can scrounge up at our house. Then we'll cook and eat together. The "new economy" will at best give us the vehicle to redefine the good American life. Hopefully we will all play more music together, break more bread together, and play more games together.
And another option for dinner. If you like vegetarian food, when we cook something, every-once-in-a-while, we can make a little extra for you to have fresh or put in your freezer. You can do the same for us when and if you are ever able, but no pressure. We can also get together to share in the task of baking and cooking from scratch, especially those items that can be frozen or stored well. The more we all have in our freezers, the less convienence food we will all buy and the less we will eat out. Also, a full freezer is cheaper to run than an empty one and a full oven is cheaper when on than one that only has one or two things in it.
Shared heating. If you are worried about your energy and heating bill this winter, let's talk. By turning down the heat (as low as it will go without bursting the pipes) and by keeping the lights out for just a couple of days (or even for a night), you can save money. Come over for a night or two, then catch us on the flipside.
Bulk memberships. If you need to stock up, let me know so we can schedule to shopping together. We have been given a wonderful gift of a membership to both BJs and Costco. I can tell you when we are headed out there next, and you would be most welcome to join me and share in our membership. I'd also be happy to split items when the cost of buying is cheaper in bulk but neither of us needs quite that much of something (pickles or whatever).
Gardening, with prep starting in early spring. G and I are entertaining ideas about how to eat locally and in season (redefining our entire diet) and grow more of our own food. Neither of us have a green thumb, nor do we have much space for gardening in our yard. However, if we can get together with folks who have more of a green thumb/more knowledge, as well as someone who has some space, we can offer some of the labor. There are no "community gardens" accessible to the public in our city currently as far as we can tell.
Clothes and toys for your kids. If you have a child under three, we might be able to help. We are not done having children so would like to keep our items, but if you are willing to keep track of anything with our name on it, we are happy to loan out clothes for little ones who have outgrown their wardrobes as well as toys for little ones who have reached a new developmental phase and need some new toys.
Women's clothing exchanges. Sizes change, tastes change. If you are needing or craving something new to wear and are around my size or a bit smaller, call me. I'd be happy for you to rummage through my pile of clothes I've sadly outgrown, etc. Maybe I'll have a thing or two of interest to you. (And if you have anything you think might interest me, let me know that too.)
Make cleaners in bulk with us. If we buy the supplies together in bulk, we can make cheap and healthier (than store bought...also more ecologically sound) household cleaners including laundry deteregent. By doing it together, we'll also have more fun. We'd have to learn how, but I'd also entertain making soaps and shampoos and other personal care goods together.
If it feels like your home is falling apart around you, but you can't afford the work and don't have the man-power to do it yourself, let's talk. We can come help you at your house for some number of hours if you come help us at ours. By sharing the work, we make it more likely that we can "do it ourselves" which will save money.
I'm open to other ideas to about how we can help each other out.

For those of you who are not local, I still am here offering to be a good listener and to hold you in loving prayers.

Please don't be prideful. Now is not the time. If you need help, reach out. We're all in this together.

Love,
S.M.G.

Why I am Not Anti-Adoption: Part Two

2009-01-28T21:52:00.004-05:00

In "Part One" of this slowly-developing series (I will post now and then probably take a break on the series for a while before posting again), I addressed in several ways the common argument against adoption that the separation of mother and child is traumatic, hurtful or damaging, and often avoidable/unecessary. I hope you will go back and read that post if you have not already.

In summary, I can agree with anti-adoption advocates in that the above statement is true. As I said in "Part One," largely for this reason, I am an spirited advocate of adoption reform, and I will speak more to that later. Please do keep in mind that this is a series, and thus I am going to address issues one at a time.

Sticking to the issue at hand, however, I also outlined in "Part One" the distinction between the separation of mother & child and adoption. The former is necessary if the latter takes place, but the former takes place in many cases without the latter. There are a lot of children who age out of foster care (as in, kids who live in foster homes until they are old enough to be independent), as well as kids who live with adults (relative or non-relative) under informal arrangements or who live with adults (relative or non-relative) who have assumed some form of legal guardianship. The parents of these children may or may not retain some or all legal rights to their children, let alone relationships with their children.

Each case varies, and in this particular post, I'd like to speak to illustrate a few key points using just one particular case. Largely it is some background into one way in which I have come to the conclusions I have. This particular post is most useful in a conversation about American adoptions through the state, but aspects may apply to other forms of adoption. However, let me very clear at this time that by no means is my post meant to demonize or contribute to negative stereotypes about so-called "birth parents." What I say about the parents in this case apply to their case quite specifically.

Having foster parented for six years now, I have seen the issue of adoption from a number of different perspectives. The first child I foster parented was fifteen years old. His parents had seven children, and he was in the middle. Due to severe abuse and neglect that started in-utero, he was finally after five extremely torturous years that easily could have killed him, removed from his parents' home along with the rest of his siblings. He suffered through another six years of intense effort by the state to reunite his family. Though I cannot and will not share details, I hope my post is clear that I call it "suffering" in his particular case. I am not saying that reunification efforts automatically equal suffering. I am referring to the specific circumstances of this reunification period.

So during those six years he was bounced around from home to home while the process dragged on and on and on. His parents were offered an array of services to help them become healthy and re-establish themselves in their role as parents. They were also given frequent visitations with their children to which they often didn't show. Experiencing the excitement of preparing for visitations and then living through the betrayal of parents who didn't show was among many, many facets of our foster son's trauma. By the time he came to live with us at 15, we were his twenty-third home.

In the end, his parents simply did not have the ability, at least in the timeframe of our foster son's childhood, to parent without abusing their children...for whatever very tragic reason. When he was eleven years old, our foster son's parental rights were terminated. That legal event was but a footprint of a very, very profound loss that had been occurring for him for years. It can't be reasonably argued that our foster son, on many levels, had not already lost his parents. Clearly, he had.

That marker, that legal event, changed very little in the day-to-day life of the children, but it did have one positive effect for our foster son (who was, as I said, not yet with us). Rather than having parents in and out of his life (way more out than in), parents who I must remind you:

frequently and consistently made promises to him that they would do the work required to get him back, promises they must have known on some level they wouldn't keep
made it a regular practice to hand him their own dramas and place on him the burden of their adult issues, even berating and blaming him for the fact that not he and his siblings were taken into foster care
had a legal right to access him, to come in and out of his life at whim, and chose to do so only periodically and at their own convienence without once showing concern for the impact on him...

...he finally was able to be told that his parents weren't able to parent him, that they tried but couldn't learn how to parent, that they just didn't have the ability. He could be told the honest-to-goodness truth. And he had the opportunity to free himself-- as much as humanly possible (which is never entirely)-- from what proved to be the fantasy that somehow they would get it together and make it work and give him the life he dreamed of. In other words, finally, after years and years and years of living hell, he could begin trully and fully grieving his loss.

His parents had made themselves utterly unavailable, starting before their parental rights were terminated, but during our time with him, we tried to give him what information we could and sought as many more answers (and photos) as we could through connections that we did have. We encouraged him to put up the two pictures he had of his mother in the house, if he was willing. We were honest with him and compassionate toward his parents, who I have no doubt loved him despite their inability to gain the skills to parent safely and to engage in treatment.

At one point we went with him to his childhood town for a court hearing to review his case plan. We had lunch in town and he told us about what he could remember. We listened and were there for him to hear his grief. He cried hard afterward, on the way home, moaning for his mommy...telling us again and again how badly he wanted her. His pain wasn't from the termination of parental rights. His pain was there long before his parental rights had been terminated. He had cried like this during nearly every drive from a court hearing for ten years. He talked about crying himself to sleep for as long as he could remember.

His pain was from his mother not having the ability to parent him. His pain was from wanting her so badly and knowing that she would never make herself available to him because after all these years she hadn't. His pain was from the fact that for years he was in the foster care system, sometimes in abusive group homes, and no one-- not his parents of birth, not other biological family members, not adoptive parents-- came to get him the heck out of the system.

After a number of years observing the system up close and personal, it seems to me that termination of parental rights, in foster care at least, is often the humane thing to do in a tragic and sad situation. It is only very recently in history-- within the last decade or so-- that parents have not had the right to do nothing for their children for years on end without facing a termination of their rights.

Because G. and I started out as foster parents for older kids and teens who had lived in the system during a time when some parents never faced termination at all, we became intimately familiar with what occurs when termination doesn't happen for many years even when it is inevitable. That is: the ongoing, painful, constant "rejection" a child feels when his or her parents hang on tooth and nail to rights that they are only willing or able to access without commitment to the longterm. That is the parents have the right to visits, to major medical decisions about their child and even to say when a child can get a haircut, but can choose to show up or not when given the opportunity to be in relationship with their child. They can make the effort to be there, or not, and the child is given no closure even after a decade. All the while, somewhere inside the child thinks, "if they love me, they will show up."

And each time the parent doesn't show up, doesn't follow through with services offered to them, etc. etc., the child's sense of self is diminished. Sometimes biological connection doesn't empower a child to develop a sense of self. It can in fact wound their sense of self. Had I not been a therapeutic foster parent for children who, over the course of years of endless wounds, had been hurt in this way, I would have never realized the deep, deep damage that is done to a child's very spirit when parental rights are seen as necessarily in the best interest of the children without regard to anything else (that is, parental rights become the "holy grail" of ethics in foster cases).

When our first foster son was placed in our home, we made the agreement to be a permanent placement for him. The therapeutic foster care agency he was in at that time did not do adoption, though we asked and would have been open to it. We knew that our "permanent placement" commitment extended through his lifetime, and we accepted that he would need assisted living services and our constant support and advocacy even in adulthood.

We were a family. We bonded in our relationships. We cared for one another. We functioned in every way as a family does. No, we weren't his family of birth nor the parents who "raised" him for his first five years (if you want to give them credit for that period) or even for his first fifteen years in total, and never did we think of ourselves as replacements of his first parents. He called his first parents "mom" and "dad" and he also called us his "moms" (which was absolutely his choice...we had suggested he just call us by first name).

The human heart does not have a finite ability to love and experience family. Our foster son's concept of family included the parents who had given him life biologically and raised him (to the extent they were capable) for his first five years. He has much love for them, and a great sense of pride in many things he remembers about them. He bonded with them, even as they abused him, and they will always be two of the most important people in his life, if not the most important people. It also included us, who in any fundamental definition of the word, parented him.

Was it "picture perfect?" No! No family is picture perfect. He did share with us on numerous occassions that he craved an adoption, and because of how he talked about it, I am 100% confident it was not because foster children are "conditioned" to think of adoption as "the answer." Our foster son made it clear to us that having a family-- having parents-- is a very primal, human need. It is why children, including infants, can and often do attach to-- even through their grief-- any person who becomes their primary caregiver (assuming they don't develop an attachment disorder waiting for that person). That's not to say that the grief is not real and valid and significant in the lives of these children. Or that the secondary attachment inherently "fixes" the hurt of the first loss.

But it is to say that the experience of being parented in every sense of the word is important for every child. Several years ago, Mothering Magazine printed t-shirts that read, "Everybody Needs Mothering." It was a lovely play on words, but my first reaction was one of mixed-feelings because I know children who have fathers and no mothers, and they are well loved and cared for. After more reflection, however, I realized the truth behind the statement. Everybody does need mothering. Whether by our mothers, or even by a father, all of us need the care, guidance, and unconditional love that we conjure up when we consider the essence of the role of parents.

In our society, for good or bad, there is a legal aspect to being family, and even kids "get this." That legal commitment, that "sealing of the deal of forever" seemed important to our first foster son. I really don't think a legal guardianship would have satisfied his particular interest. Because it is not equivalent-- in terms of legal and social aspects-- to other families who happen to be birth families, whereas adoption is. Of course, there is always an emotional difference to being adopted vs. being raised in one's birth family (more on kinship placements in another post). But legal guardianship creates other differences for the child as well.

In any case, after almost a year of being with us, our foster son started to really attach to us. He became very stable. His behavior, which had at times been totally out of control, calmed down immeasurably. He was doing beautifully in school and actually enjoying himself. He was involved in extra curricular activities that he enjoyed, and found a community for himself in our neighborhood and church.

Stability is a very frightening thing to a child who has never had it. Our foster son was used to moving from family to family, never calling one his own for too long. He had several years when he moved multiple times during the year (remember, during just ten years in foster care, he moved from family to family twenty-three times).

So one day, he just decided he needed to move. I know in the intimate way that I came to bond with this child, that he was just scared of standing still and being loved by a family for too long. He told the director of the agency that he wanted to move, and the director came to the decision three weeks later that he needed to "have a voice" in the system and that this was the way to give him a voice. Nevermind that he was simply afraid. Nevermind that he was afraid because for the first time he knew the people who were parenting him were refusing to reject him. Nevermind also that he was severely developmentally delayed, with a developmental level ranging from three to eleven, depending on the area of development and his level of stress. (This is a philosophical stand that I'll take here: I don't think kids are developmentally capable of making this kind of decision at seven or eight. I think there are other developmentally appropriate ways to give kids a voice in the system.)

The main point of telling this part of the story is that because he was still "in the system," the arbitrary decisions of someone like this agency director determined whether or not he would ever have a shot at permanency in his family life. Unfortunately, the wrong decision was made.

This is one major reason we left that agency. Since that time, we have foster parented a number of other children on a temporary basis. I've learned how wonderful it can be for a child to live with their parents when it can be done safely...when services can be provided over the long-term (which takes a lot of state resources but is worth it in my opinion), and parents are willing and able to engage in those services. And I think those kids do have a right to be parented by their parents, if the parents are willing to actually parent. Even when there are incredible imperfections. Heck, even when the child might suffer some limitations as a result.

For instance, we parented one child on a very short term basis who loved her mother beyond words and whose mother loved her. Her mother was slightly developmentally delayed and had multiple mental health issues and did some damaging things that wouldn't warrant removal of the child from her care-- such as telling an entire room full of parents and students in her child's school class during back-to-school night that her daughter sometimes poops in her pants-- but that would certainly cause ill-effects because of their repitition over time. I've learned that when children successfully bond with their parents as babies, which they usually can do in spite of abuse (though they often don't do when there is neglect), that bond is lifelong. And even if their parents do horrible things to them, the children will love them fiercely because they have made that bond.

I have come to accept the paradox in my silmultaneous belief that adoption can be supportive of children but that it also represents a very real loss for children that we should do everything in our power to prevent.

If you respond, please do so specific to the topics addressed here. This is not a forum for general debate over adoption, as future posts will address other topics.

We Have a Date

2009-01-27T20:20:00.004-05:00

I'm being vague, I know, but I think you all will know what I am talking about...and I am in my "superstitious mode" that always comes around these things, so I am not going to be more specific at this time.

We have a court date. It is soon...no more than a month away.

That is all!

R.I.P. Chubby and Wubby

2009-01-22T10:09:00.005-05:00

Well, there was a surge of excitement yesterday evening around our house when we went to pick up our first African Dwarf Frogs. They were promptly and affectionately named "Chubby" and "Wubby" by the kids.

We acclimated them to the tank, and although we discovered at that time that Wubby obviously had a crushed claw (poor thing...we're 98% certain it was pre-purchase), Chubby at least seemed in good spirits and eager to explore the tank. She was extremely cute! We sat and watched the two of them for a half hour or more as they acclimated, and after the kids went to bed, and the frogs were in the tank and swimming around, I went and watched them for another half hour or more. They were mesmorizing, and I worried about Wubby but had a good feeling that Chubby was going to do just fine. She was alert and active, but also seemed comfortable.

Besides, we'd done all the "right" things for the tank preparation. The tank water had received a dose of "de-chlorinator" and sat there for a week, which was plenty of time to get rid of the chlorine. The water temperature was set automatically by a thermostat. We'd covered the filter intake feed with a clean and rinsed old nylon sock so the frogs wouldn't get sucked in.

I decided to wait until the morning to feed them, as the pet store said they did feedings everyday, and I didn't want to overwhelm them in their first night. I went to bed feeling optimistic.

This morning G. informed me that she went to check the frogs and that they were not looking good. Neither was moving. Wubby was at the bottom of the tank on his back. Chubby was floating at the top (which African Dwarf Frogs often do, as it makes it easier for them to "come up for air," so I wasn't convinced yet). So G. went back in and poked Chubby, and she did not move but simply sunk. They were dead.

Poor, dear frogs. I am feeling pretty heartsick.

My research ahead of time had indicated these little guys are fragile and really put through the ringer prior to coming home. It is rather stressful for them, all the transitions, and they may be sick even before coming home. I had heard they often die in the first week or two (maybe even month), but after that, if they've lived that long, they typically do quite well. So I was prepared that we might have a death on our hands, but I had not thought it would be overnight. I feel awful.

We haven't decided what to tell the kids yet. I'm taking the frogs back tonight, but before we get the new ones I think I may need to clean out the tank and put in new water just in case there is no bacteria or fungus in there from these frogs. On the other hand, the frogs we would get tonight would be from the same batch that the first ones came from, so they'd likely have all the same issues anyway.

I don't know.

I never would consider lying to the kids about this except that our dog Blue's death was pretty hard on M., and he had mixed feelings about the frogs from the start because he was worried about them dying (K. on the other hand was thrilled out of her mind). I also know that they'll have to face frog deaths at some point, and I'm just not sure *how many* I want them to face in a row, given how quickly these deaths occurred. Ack! This is one of the toughest mama decisions for me in recent history.

Edited to add: I did end up telling the kids. M. asked me tonight if the frogs were out of their pet shop bag and in the tank yet (I think he had a feeling something was up), and I looked at him and didn't have the heart to lie. I told him that the frogs had died overnight. He asked where they were. I said they were stored in a container in a closet until I could bring them back to the pet shop (which was supposed to happen tonight, but now it will have to wait for first thing tomorrow because the kids took too long going to bed). He asked why and I told him that I had to take them back so we could get new ones. He wanted to know how the pet shop would bury the frogs. I told him I didn't know (which is true, though I didn't mention that they don't likely bury dead frogs). After that, on the surface he took it in stride. I hope this just means he didn't get too attached. K. also took it in stride, but I think that is partly because she has no clue as to what exactly death means. Not that M. really "gets" it, but he gets it enough to not want it to happen to his animals.

This experience does make me glad I discouraged M. from the names he most wanted for the frogs: Nikki and Blue. Those were/are the names of our dogs, Blue (rest his soul) and Nakara (who sleeps by me as I write this now). I would have felt very weird having perished frogs with the dogs' names. But I do wonder why M. wanted them to share the names, and if it had anything to do with his worry that the frogs would die and his feelings about Blue's death.

What to Do For the Inauguration?

2009-01-17T22:20:00.004-05:00

Well, I missed the boat on the biggest community celebration at a local theatre here, which was free to the public. I called yesterday after I found out about it, but they had already closed for the day, and when I called again today (after a day-long workshop here at church), they were out of tickets. The party was starting at 11:00am, which would have worked out great for the kids to come along. I'm considering tossing around the idea tomorrow of some kind of family-friendly inauguration open house here at church on Tuesday, but I am not sure what the interest will be and how quickly I can throw something together like this. Good idea, though, no?

Edited for an Update: Another venue decided to open its doors for inauguration day overflow from the first venue. It too was free, so we took the kids and went. They gave the kids flags, and it was so cute to see K. waving hers around proudly every time people clapped or cheered. M. didn't as much wave his flag as he shook it wildly LOL. I wish I had had a camera, but alas, we'd misplaced it and didn't have time to look for it in our rush out the door. The crowd was pretty low-key. Mostly folks who work at the nearby courthouse or city hall and were on a lunch break. We left a bit early because the kids were getting fitfully tired and needed to get home to nap. On our way out, we got stopped by a reporter from our city's newspaper. We chatted with her for a minute, but with the kids running around us like complete nuts, I have my doubts as to whether we said anything coherent, let alone worthwhile.

For the most part, I'm pretty glad we went. And G. said looking at the crowd in D.C. left her feeling very good there was no feasible way for us to go. "There is no way I'd want to be there right now," she said. As I was freezing cold just walking a third of a mile to and from our car to attend the local event, I must say, I am glad we're not stuck out there in the cold either. Especially because while Obama's speech was solid, it won't go down in history as "the best ever inaugural speech."

Commitment and Frogs

2009-01-15T22:56:00.004-05:00

I told my kids we could get a couple of African Dwarf Frogs after I save up a little money. They are super cheap, I have a fish tank to keep them in (they are fully aquatic), and they don't eat live food. I read online that they are the perfect novice frog owner frog. It seemed as harmless as getting a goldfish.

The sad thing is, it wasn't my kids who asked. They still think it is weird that frogs would be indoors, instead of out (OMG how I love them!). I agree with them, and I am not sure I want to support the companies that breed frogs and ship them in highly stressful conditions so they can go and be unhealthy in a pet shop and maybe have a shot at life in a small tank in someone's home. Especially because even though they are "dirt cheap," we've got to stretch to come up with the money.

What was I thinking?

I'm not really sure. I think I felt badly that our Montessori classroom didn't have any animals or something. And hey, frogs are cool enough. How strange I am.

I hesitated for a while because it was a matter of commitment. Apparently, African Dwarf Frogs which are very small often die in the first month home. But if they happen to live, they can live anywhere from 4-15 years. You only have to feed them every 3 days or so, but you still can't go on vacation for a week without arranging for their care. Do I really want to have a couple of frogs that I have to move the next time we move, even though such a move will likely be many years away?! Do I really want to have to buy frozen bloodworms every month for a couple little frogs. I mean, don't get me wrong, I am excited about them too. They are apparently very active during their waking hours (when they aren't hiding, which they also apparently do a lot of) and a lot of fun to watch. I can see myself falling "in love." Not to mention that I love the sound of a flowing fishtank. But more than anything, I guess I'm really not looking forward to them dying. If they get sick, there aren't too many options in terms of vet care, if any at all here. I cried the two times our beta fish died in one of our classrooms here at church. And why did I invite death into my kids' lives like that, so unecessarily?

But still, we spent a good portion of this morning setting up the fish tank and getting the filter working, and the kids are eager now to actually have frogs in there, so I'm not going to back out. Yet even as I write this I think, "am I teaching the kids something wrong by having a 'domestic' frog when they belong in the wild, tiny and as easily domesticated as they may be?"

I'm sure it will be fine. The tank is pretty big when you consider how very tiny these frogs are (less than a pinky finger in length if I recall), we put some cool plants in there for them to play in, and we're getting at least two because the frogs are social creatures who like to play together at the bottom of the tank...so I think they'll be as happy as they can be. I am pretty sure I can manage cleaning the tank every now and then and feeding the frogs every few days...even if it gets old after the first couple of months.

The thing with me is that (perhaps because I am Gemini???), I have a really mixed relationship with commitment. On one hand, I want everything to stay the same all the time. I am the last to agree to rearrangement of furniture in my house, I love holiday traditions and will do anything to keep a beloved tradition going, and though I am an adventurer who likes to try new things, once I find something I love to eat at a restaurant, I am the person who always orders the same thing. On the other hand, the real reason I think I jump into many big commitments is because I know I'll get cold feet if I don't.

Even though G. and I had been together for four years or something by the time we got married, and even though I had long before decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her, I still can admit that I freaked out a bit before the wedding. During the planning (and of course, the planning was stressful, which was a big part of the whole thing), I nearly called it off er, a handful of times. G. knows this of course because she lived through it, poor thing. I am lucky she put up with me. I am completely indecisive about silly things like where to hang a picture on my wall and what color socks I want to wear or what I want to eat for dinner. If I get myself into trouble at work, it usually stems from being too wishy washy at some point in time, even though I tend to be opinionated and direct in my communication as a general rule.

Like I said, I am not simply allergic to commitment nor am I eager for commitment. It's as if I am both at the same time: eager and allergic.

And that's another one of my neurosis!

Making the Best...

2009-01-14T15:58:00.004-05:00

So there has been a small flurry of online discussion about the big lead testing laws that are going into effect on February 10th. You may recall that I posted about this issue a little while ago (http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislikerightnow.blogspot.com/2008/12/toys-and-toxins.html), and it seems appropriate now that the law has passed that we look honestly at [1] how we failed as citizens to create enough activism or discussion to even get a little bit of resistance to this legistlation from House or Senate (between the two, there were only four-- yes FOUR!!!-- votes against) and [2] where to go from here. Where to go now? That's my big question. There are good advocacy suggestions in the blog I link to in the post I've linked above, but I'd like to know what type of actions make the biggest difference after the fact.

Of primary concern in my mind are the small businesses and artisans. Even though some are still worried about resale businesses, those at least have some exemptions written into the law and so are the least of my concerns.

Meanwhile, I am seriously considering a dumpster diving adventure at toy and department stores around February 10th. Making the best, you know, out of a bad situation...

Oh F**k!

2009-01-09T09:43:00.004-05:00

Sorry. I hate to just go around shouting like this, but I can't help but shout that right now because oh, f**k oh f**k oh f**k. A couple of oxygen sensors just blew on our car, along with some other crap that I don't even understand, and it will cost us about $1000 to fix it. Oh this is such a bad news. Alright, if I can negotiate a deal on our energy bill, extend our payments out even more, maybe we can come up with about half of what we need. I just don't know. I just don't know how we're going to pull this off.

My Latest Financial News

2009-01-07T20:43:00.004-05:00

First, the good: The congregation will not be cutting any staff this year. I can keep my job.

There are a range of staff cuts being considered, however, ranging from 3% of income to 15%. The different levels have different implications. Some involve cuts in hours, others we are expected to simply "suck up" because hey, these are hard economic times and we've been saved from lay-offs.

Nothing is in stone yet. The finance committee still needs to make a recommendation to the board, the board needs to vote, and then the whole congregation needs to vote. But, I suspect I am personally looking at a 3-5% cut, hopefully around the 3% range.

The only thing that is saving me from despair (since as the board president here said to me, I am "already cutting awfully close to the bone" in my personal finances anyway), is that they will allow me to take my cut in professional expenses (my training and development budget). Luckily, this budget line is able to absorb a 3-5% cut, though it will mean my professional activities will be on hold for the year. However, it won't take additional cuts, so let's hope the economy turns around and fast!

The (hopefully minor) bad news is that one of my proposals for a potential budget cut, I think, varied significantly from how the senior minister here views our work as a congregation...and I am just hoping she is gracious about it. I am still learning here when I can push for innovation, and when that is problematic for my working relationships in a congregation where folks have served for almost entire careers.

Why is My Horoscope Always So Darn Accurate?!

2009-01-06T16:19:00.003-05:00

Here is the monthly horoscope page from astrostyle.com: http://astrostyle.com/Scopes/Monthly_Scope/index.htm. I'm gemini. Already my January horoscope is describing my January experiences to a "T." What the heck?!

My weekly horscope (weekly horscopes are here: http://astrostyle.com/Scopes/Weekly_Scope/index.htm) is also pretty interesting, and close to my experience so far this week.

How does yours look?

Ghost Towns

2009-01-03T14:18:00.004-05:00

Something I would really like to do in my life is to "visit" at least ten to twenty distinct ghost towns.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ghost_town

I don't know when my fascination with ghost towns developed, and it is an ironic fascination in many ways because I am definitely not a "small town girl" in any sense. I think it has something to do with some gut level feeling that we all have some "ghost towns" inside of us: places we dwell at one time, but never visit again for any number of reasons. I find the idea really interesting, and somehow visiting ghost towns seems an appealing way to explore that. Maybe someday I'll spend a sabatical that way, in a road trip to multiple ghost towns.

My Son's Teacher's House Burned

2009-01-03T00:38:00.005-05:00

On the first day of the new year, my son's teacher's house caught on fire when a freak thing occurred in her very clean chimney...a spark flew through a small crack in a brick and lit their wall on fire.

She and her husband woke their children and got out of the house, but a portion of their house (their living room, dining room, and kitchen) was burned beyond repair. There is also an awful lot of smoke and water damage throughout the entire house. Half their house will need to be gutted and rebuilt. Many of their personal items will need to be replaced, from furniture to quite possibly their clothing. Even all their Christmas presents were destroyed. They will be living in a mobile home on their property for a few months while their lives are recovered.

Thank goodness they are safe. Thank goodness. Thank goodness. Thank goodness.
Thank goodness their home owner's insurance company has been wonderful to them so far.
Thank goodness that the many, many hours she spent preparing the new classroom she is opening in her own home were not for nothing, as those items were miraculously spared.
Thank goodness friends and family have rallied around her and she is feeling very supported.

I pray that they can begin to heal from the tremendous emotional trauma that this was. I pray that their property is quickly rebuilt and that they can truly return home soon. I pray that they will grow ever stronger and closer as a family through this. I pray that they continue to feel the loving kindness around them.

Tomorrow I break the news to M. because this means he can't go back to school for a while. We don't know when his teacher will be up for teaching again. She's still sorting through a lot of wreckage, trying to find her bearings in all this and get a clear picture of what the coming months will be like.

This will be a very big blow to M. One of the best things I think I can do for him is to help him see that we can be part of the community that cares for his teacher and her family. We'll be cooking some meals for them...or something. And I will invite M. to take part in whatever it is we do.

As for his schooling, I don't know what this will mean. I have offered our house as an alternative location, but some folks won't be able to make the drive into our city. I also don't know, like I said, if his teacher will be up for teaching. In fact, she's not even sure yet if she'll be ready by the time the second trimester of the spring rolls around, when K. is scheduled to start. This may be a push for me to do something here at the house. Both the kids really appreciate their school time with the other kids in addition to homeschooling. I'm going to just let the chips fall where they may for the next couple of weeks, and hopefully by then we'll be able to make a gameplan with M's teacher.

This is hard to get out of my head. What a crazy, crazy thing!

Family Planning

2009-01-02T03:46:00.004-05:00

The other day was our every-60-day mandatory reminder that K. is still in foster care...er, uh, I mean our every-other-monthly homevisit from the social worker monitoring our home (in our old state, by the way, the visits were monthly).

In between these visits, we live in a sort of bubble. K. no longer has visits with her birthfamily, we have moved all the way across the country with her, and we keep in touch with M.'s birthfamily, but the state won't permit contact with K's birthfamily because of the risks they present to her safety. We rarely need to consult with or ask permission from the social worker for anything anymore because at this point, for all intents and purposes, she is our daughter.

This social worker who comes to visit our house now, I have a kind of mixed relationship with her. G. calls it "a weird tension." She is nice and all, but very hard to read. We needed her approval to manage our case in order to complete the interstate agreement that allowed us to move, and through the homestudy process she gave us no feedback at all. This left us wondering until I finally heard from our old state that the approval had come through. Because she is so "flat" in her interactions, she makes me nervous.

She also gives no indication that she remembers that we are long-time foster parents (not only that, but former therapeutic foster parents). She treats us like novices, which is subtle, but undermining. You have to understand, of course, that G. and I come from a county in which we felt like "star foster parents." Almost the whole staff at the county offices knew us and always treated us like we were the best of the best. We frequently got calls for placements, they asked our opinion about things that mattered, I participated on the foster parent advisory board, and we never worked with a social worker who didn't come to trust our expertise (about the kids we work with) implicitly. I think we are very good foster parents. It was treatment not undeserved.
It is so different now to have this woman come into our home every couple of months who never seems to drop her skeptisism or her lectures about "how it is done" (which result after we learn some different procedure between the two states, not from a fundamental ignorance).

Now that K.'s case is wrapping up, we have the question of whether we will get foster licensed out here or whether we'll seek another adoptive homestudy. Apparently, the homestudy we had done was for K's case and the interstate agreement alone. G. and I have been foster and adoptive homestudied numerous times over the last six or seven years. We've had at least five homestudies...switching agencies, updating expired homestudies, expanding previous homestudies to include adoption, etc. There are truly few homes as well monitored as ours. Our homestudy here in our new state was completed just under a year ago, so I asked the worker who has been visiting our home whether it would take a lot to get a new homestudy if we chose to keep our home open.

She told me we'd basically have to do everything over again! "The only thing that won't change is your childhood information from your homestudy interview." She said we'd have to do all of the other massive paperwork again, including but not limited to new letters of reference (five required), a financial background check, new letters from all the doctors our family has seen since our last homestudy, a letter of good-standing from my employer, and so forth. She'd also have to come over and complete another hour-long interview, do an inspection of this house even though she's been here visiting every 60 days, and...the list goes on. Oh, also, we have to take the foster/adopt training program because she won't consider transferring credit from our old state for their foster/adopt training program. Which is no big deal (other than finding a babysitter for 30 total hours of training time), but irritating because before we moved here I inquired with the foster licensor at the county office (this worker is, alternatively, from the agency that was contracted in our case) and she said they'd definitely be willing to at least take a look at the training we've done. Again, we used to be therapeutic foster parents, so it is worth noting that we've done some pretty intensive training along the way.

I almost took the worker's reaction as trying to discourage us from moving forward, but at the same time, she also actually told us about a three-sibling set for which she was seeking an adoptive family (almost as if she was "feeling us out" about it) and she was eager to give us the dates of the upcoming foster/adopt training. Also, she discouraged us from doing foster care (which couldn't be done through her agency) and encouraged us to stick with her own adoption program. She said, "we have access to all the same kids as the state does." I think that is misleading because most kids are going to have a state-- rather than agency-- social worker, and though a social worker who is looking to place a child might seek the contracted agency's help, if they know of a waiting foster or adoptive parent through their own program, wouldn't they go ahead and place there first?

These are questions to which we are currently seeking answers. I have a call into the state adoption office, I've chatted with the foster care office (there is no foster-adopt program here in the formal sense, so the departments are separate), and I am going to call the state licensor for our section of town as well.

We're not quite ready for another. We are hoping K. will be out of diapers, that the kids will be just a wee bit more independent, and that we can hammer out our financial life a bit more before another placement. But K. is almost three, and homestudies in our experience take a very long time, if nothing else because of the time it takes to get the paperwork done. It does seem time to at least start working slowly toward being ready. The conversation with the social worker who visits our home was in a word: discouraging. I am hoping the conversations I will be having with others over the next couple of weeks will be the opposite.

Cute Kid Story

2009-01-02T03:25:00.004-05:00

The other day M. found an old "mom and baby" yoga video and asked to watch it on the computer. I put it on for him, figuring he'd soon lose interest, and K. joined him. It occurred to me then that they could probably do the yoga, so I fetched them each their respective baby dolls. So super sweet! M. watched intently and did the yoga with his "baby" uninterrupted for five minutes before deciding he was done. K. too was done in five minutes, and didn't "do" much of the video, but did stand there holding her "baby," smiling and mesmerized.

Also, I have to write this down somewhere or I am going to forget forever: I discovered that M. calls chapstick "lip chap." I know its just because I am his mom, but I find that so endearing!

Engage in the National Dialogue

2008-12-29T21:09:00.003-05:00

I really appreciate this opportunity to be a part of the conversation:

Go to http://www.change.gov/. Look under the slideshow banner, where you will see three buttons, currently "Open For Questions," "Happy Holidays," and "Your Weekly Address."

Click on "Open For Questions," register, and start voting on the questions you see and post your own questions.

My Mom Sent Me This

2008-12-28T20:55:00.001-05:00

This is just too cool a city (and an artist) not to share...recycled!!

http://www.anaserrano.com/ANA_SERRANO/cartonlandia.html

Happy Hanukkah!

2008-12-28T19:03:00.005-05:00

Happy Last Night of Hanukkah!

(This photo is of our "neighborhood menorah," at the rotary.)

With Open Arms and Open Hearts

2008-12-27T18:14:00.004-05:00

Please read this message from Melissa Ethridge about the upcoming inauguration. I found it helpful:

The Choice Is Ours Now

Meet Zach

2008-12-26T21:14:00.004-05:00

A video will play when you open up his website, so make sure your speakers are on:

"He's being a kid. He's being the kind of kid he wants to be."

I stumbled across this kid on YouTube, where I enjoyed a couple of his videos including one where he explains how he packs the backpacks...that video is on his website under "backpacks."

(And I Don't Even Like Disney)

2008-12-24T00:43:00.005-05:00

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVE!

This is a good song for the year, but in any case, may your Christmas be a magical one:

(or try...)

This is My Wife

2008-12-23T14:46:00.003-05:00

Okay, it's not really my wife. But this is what I come home to most days of the week. A big tortilla-making mess on my kitchen table and my wife with sore tortilla-rolling shoulders (and the kids assuring me "we made tortillas for you today..." funny how even though the tortillas are for us, they always say they are special for me). The big excitement-- according to the kids-- is always whether she made flour or corn tortillas. Bless her, I love her...she takes such good care of all of us.

Skills For Life: Responding to Hurt Feelings

2008-12-22T22:38:00.004-05:00

Sometimes as a parent, as I try to teach my children important lifeskills, it becomes readily apparent that I am still learning some of these skills.

Take for example, say, hurt feelings. My tendency is to internalize negative stuff. And then I get into a cycle of anxiety where I can't let it go and instead run the tape of whatever happened over and over in my head, worrying and feeling badly. And then, since I can't forever function with that going on, I eventually stuff it. It's something I've periodically worked on with therapists, but never quite mastered...the skill of being open and non-defensive without also internalizing everything negative that happens to me.

What do you do? What are your best skills when your feelings are hurt? (And bonus question: What are the most effective ways you've noticed kids build and practice these skills?)

Worried About Money Again

2008-12-21T13:22:00.004-05:00

My January check may very well be a reduced one. So far the word is that they're looking at 5-15% cuts if the board goes forward with across the board cuts. The board is projecting a $63,000 income loss next year, so staff is definitely going to take a hit. But apparently I'm not even going to know what is going to happen until the end of January, just before checks are scheduled to be cut. What will that mean for checks? Will they wait until February to make the cuts? When will our contracts be renegotiated? The decision making process that happens before our big annual meeting is very loosey goosey, and I'm left in an uncomfortable position.

I'm the only one here who has young children. I am the primary "breadwinner" for my family. I have a family to support here for goodness sakes, and survival plans to put in place!!! Since I don't qualify for unemployment and partial unemployment, I need more time than the average bear.

Here's to hoping the one-person personnel committee will actually call me in to meet with him tomorrow or Tuesday so that I get a better sense of the leanings at this time and can advocate to the extent I am able for my work. This is just disturbing.

Yes! Hanukkah Starts Tomorrow Night!

2008-12-20T21:25:00.004-05:00

Hooray! I am so excited. And drooling for latkes!

The Presidential Inauguration

2008-12-20T20:11:00.005-05:00

The day after Barack Obama won the elections, G. caught me telling the kids, "We're going to go see Obama get sworn in as president!"

"No way," she said.

"Why not?" I asked, thinking that DC can't be that far from here in MA and imagining a three hour drive or something. Everything is so small here on the east coast.

"We don't have the money, that's why."

"Oh. Well, how much could it cost to drive down there for a day?"

"A lot. First of all, there is gas," (alright, she had me there). "Second of all, there is no way in heck we could put the kids through a drive there for seven or eight hours..." (SEVEN OR EIGHT HOURS?!) "...stay there for all day, and then try to drive back. You are talking about at least two overnights."

"Oh. Well, what if we slept in the car? Or we could camp. Come on, we could bring a cooler full of food and it would be a really memorable adventure."

"Sleep in the car, or camp with two small kids, in January?! Are you serious? No, there is no way in heck I am going for that. Besides, I already said there is no money for gas."

"I guess you've got me."

So I looked up stuff on inaguarations and learned that you usually can't see anything anyway. There are so many people there, there is no way you can actually see the president. And apparently its hard to see even the parade, which is really the only event designed for "common people" like ourselves. My kids would be sorely disappointed to go all that way and not even get a glimpse of Obama.

This made me feel a lot better about not going. I guess I had just wanted to be there with my kids on this very historical and amazing day. It's a day I feel like I've waited for my whole life.

But did you all get the email from the transition team, that more than ever before, Obama wants to inaugural events to not be just for big donors, but for the whole nation? Hmmm. The itch isn't back in full force, but it sure did make me stop for a minute.

Speaking of the inauguration, while I think the g/l/b/t community provided tremendous support for Obama and I don't fault the disappointment of people like my wife regarding Obama's decision about the invocation, the Rev. Ketcham had a good point here. But on the other hand, the Rev. Ford has some good points here too...

Love Actually

2008-12-19T19:13:00.005-05:00

A few years ago, my mom gave me a copy of the 2003 film "Love Actually." It is truly great. I forget how much I love it until I sit down and watch it again, often around the holidays.

This is a classic you really shouldn't miss. If you've never seen it before, check your local library for it, pick it up at the video store, or put it on your Netflix queue (here, I'll even make it wasy for you: Love Actually Netflix Link). It's an especially good holiday flick.

I tried to find a good clip that wouldn't spoil too many of the scenes. This was the best I could do, below. Oh, and by the way, the footage at the start and end of the film is all real (not acted).

Toys and Toxins

2008-12-17T15:09:00.003-05:00

This blog I just discovered had an interesting post on it about testing toys for toxins. Check it out! It's an important conversation for all of us to be having. How do we balance all this?

My Mom Told Me To...

2008-12-17T13:12:00.001-05:00

...update the kids' Christmas list, so I have...

http://becausethatiswhatmylifeislikerightnow.blogspot.com/2008/11/on-request-ignore-this-please-wishlist.html